- Uncle Teddy: Goddammit Jerry, where the hell are my handcuffs? Jesus, what are you, takin' a nap? I could'a killed another five people in here already! Come on, let's go.
- Tommy Gavin: How ya doin'?
- Uncle Teddy: I lost another five pounds, 83 total.
- Tommy Gavin: Wow.
- Uncle Teddy: Yeah. This murder 1's the best goddamn diet I ever been on.
- Tommy's Dad: I dunno how to clean sheets. I'm a g*ddamn war hero, a**hole!
- Tommy Gavin: Oh, yeah? Well, get your fat g*ddamn war hero ass into the shower, right now.
- Tommy Gavin: Oh, no, what'd you - - piss the bed again?
- Tommy's Dad: I knew I shouldn't have drunk those last five glasses of wine.
- Tommy Gavin: G*ddamn. It's like having a G*ddamn baby around the house again.
- Uncle Teddy: [from jail cell] Lost another 5 pounds. 83 so far.
- Tommy Gavin: Wow.
- Uncle Teddy: Yeah, this Murder One diet is the way to go.