Family Guy (TV Series)

Untitled Griffin Family History (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Nate Griffin, God, Moses Griffin, Silas Pewterschmidt, Captain, Burglar #2

Photos 

Quotes 

• Joe Swanson : We've captured the burglars.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, thank God!

  Joe Swanson : Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.

  Peter Griffin : Well, that was a close call.

  Joe Swanson : You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.

  Lois Griffin : [to Peter]  Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.

  Joe Swanson : Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.

  Peter Griffin : Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.

  Joe Swanson : [to his fellow cops]  Okay, guys, just take her away.

• Brian Griffin : [points to Peter's panic room]  Peter, what is that?

  Peter Griffin : Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie "The Butterfly Effect". I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. I wish I could escape to a place where this movie couldn't find me."

• Peter Griffin : [as the sprinklers in the panic room mostly fill the room with water; Peter, Lois, Chris, Brian and Stewie are up to their necks in it]  The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're all gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : Did not care for The Godfather.

  Chris Griffin : How can you even say that, dad?

  Peter Griffin : Didn't like it.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, it's so good! It's like the perfect movie!

  Peter Griffin : This is what everyone always said. Whenever they say...

  Chris Griffin : Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean, you never see, Robert Duvall!

  Peter Griffin : Fine. Fine. Fine actor, did not like the movie.

  Brian Griffin : Why not?

  Peter Griffin : Did not... couldn't get into it.

  Lois Griffin : Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?

  Peter Griffin : It insists upon itself, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : It insists upon itself.

  Lois Griffin : What does that even mean?

  Chris Griffin : Because it has a valid point to make, it's insisted!

  Peter Griffin : It takes forever getting in; you spend like six and a half hours... You know, I can't get through, I've never even finished the movie. I've never seen the ending.

  Chris Griffin : [annoyed]  You've never seen the ending?

  Stewie Griffin : How can you say you don't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?

  Lois Griffin : I agree with Stewie. It's not really fair.

  Chris Griffin : It's outrageous.

  Peter Griffin : I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sitting around on the easy chairs.

  Lois Griffin : Yeah, it's a great scene. I love that scene.

  Peter Griffin : I have no idea what they're talking about. It's like they're speaking a different... You know, that's where I lose interest in it.

  Lois Griffin : You know what, Peter...

  Chris Griffin : They're speaking Italian!

  Lois Griffin : The language they're speaking is a language of subtlety; it's something you don't understand.

  Peter Griffin : I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.

  Lois Griffin : Exactly.

  Peter Griffin : Well, there you go.

  Lois Griffin : Whatever.

  Chris Griffin : I like that movie too.

• Peter Hitler : Hey, there you are! Ready to go see that new skin flick at the boobengarden?

  Adolf Hitler : Can't you see I'm busy?

  Peter Hitler : What are you doin'? Stuff?

  Adolf Hitler : Yes.

  Peter Hitler : Nazi stuff?

  Adolf Hitler : Yes, Peter, Nazi stuff.

  Peter Hitler : Can I help?

  Adolf Hitler : No, Peter. Just let me work, alright?

  Peter Hitler : Alright.

  [sits in chair, hits hand on arm rest while mouthing fart noises, gets some tape and puts it over his nose] 

  Peter Hitler : Addy. Addy. I'm Tojo... I'm... Look, I'm Tojo. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, I am from Japan.

  Adolf Hitler : Will you stop that?

  Peter Hitler : Can I borrow 50 marks?

  Adolf Hitler : What happened to the 50 marks from last week?

  Peter Hitler : Your girlfriend's not cheap. Ooooh.

• Meg Griffin : So... is, uh, is this like the part where you guys have your way with me?

  Robber 2 : What...?

  Meg Griffin : You know, where I'm like helpless, and you guys take turns... you know?

  Robber 2 : OH, NO! Oh, God! Oh, no, no no no!

  Robber 1 : [from another room]  What'd she say?

  Robber 2 : She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.

  Robber 1 : Ewww!

  Meg Griffin : No, seriously, I won't scream or anything.

  [leans in for a kiss] 

  Robber 2 : No! No, I, I... no, no sale!

  Meg Griffin : [jumps on him on the floor]  C'mon! I'm pretty!

  [Robber 1 screams and hides behind robber 2, who has entered the room] 

  Robber 1 : Are you okay?

  Robber 2 : Yeah, I was so scared.

• Meg Griffin : Dad, I can't go through the vent.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody spit on Meg!

  Meg Griffin : [the family spits on her]  Stop! Stop, you guys! Ah! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay. I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there.

  Peter Griffin : Come on! They're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit.

  Lois Griffin : Be careful, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : [Peter pushes her into the vent, followed by sounds of her falling down]  Ahh! Ahh! I hate you all!

  Stewie Griffin : I hate you too, bitch. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?

• Meg Griffin : Dad! What is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs?

  Peter Griffin : [leveling her with his baseball bat]  Oh, god, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

• Caveman Stewie Griffin : Damn all. What deuce. Victory Stewie's.