Photos
Quotes
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[doing Crossword puzzle]
Eddie : Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".
Richie : "Harold"?
Eddie : Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!
Richie : Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we?
Eddie : No we didn't, that's why we had to eat his dog.
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Richie : What about pin the tail on the donkey?
Eddie : We haven't got a donkey.
Richie : Well er, pin the tail on the chicken.
Eddie : We haven't got a tail.
Richie : Well pin the sausage on the chicken.
Eddie : We haven't got a chicken.
Richie : Well pin the sausage on the fridge.
Eddie : Or a pin.
Richie : Sellotape a sausage to the fridge.
Eddie : We haven't got a sausage.
Richie : Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge!
Eddie : Not much of game, is it?
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Eddie : Richie! I've been here since ten o' clock last night! It's now five o' clock in the morning.We've finished of the Pernod, the Ouzo, the Old Spice, even the industrial-strength floor cleaner, three liters of it! I've explained the rules of chess to you 124 times, and I'm buggered if I'm gonna let you delay the game another ten minutes while you scan through a few back issues of Amateur Photographer! OKAY?
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Eddie : [to the camera, whilst banging Richie's head between the refrigerator door] You know, it's funny. They say that television encourages violence. But I'm smashing his face in, and we haven't got one!
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[Tasting five years old yoghurt]
Eddie : It doesn't taste like banana and peach...
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Eddie : We can't go on like this! Why did they take the telly away?
Richie : You know very well why they took the telly away.
Eddie : No, I don't.
Richie : Yes, you do, Edward Hitler. They took the telly away, because, according to you, while you were wending your merry way down to the telly shop with the rent money, you ran into a rather strange and wizened old man, who sold you five magic beans. Which, coincidentally, cost exactly the £86.23 we owed in back rent to Rumbelows.
Eddie : They are magic beans, you know.
Richie : Oh yes.
[Retrieves an empty flower pot]
Richie : And here is the magic beanstalk! Well, I'm glad I've got a head for heights, cause it's a whopper, isn't it! We shall be needing oxygen masks before we get to the top of that one, won't we, Sir Edmund!
Eddie : Well, it wasn't me who let us get behind with the rent, was it? How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place?
Richie : [Richie looks suspicious] All right, let's change the subject, it's irrelevant, in fact, I forgive you.
Eddie : It wasn't me who bypassed Rumbelows every week for the last three months, saved up the £86.23 and took it five doors along to Dr O'Grady's Personal Organ Enhancement Clinic, was it?
Richie : Cup of tea, Eddie or some money?
Eddie : We haven't got any money, that's the problem!
Richie : Hey, I know, let's have a no-talking competition!
Eddie : "For a mere eighty-five pounds..."
Richie : Oh God.
Eddie : "For a mere eighty-five pound, you too can have your personal organ enhanced, so that it is comparable in size to that of a fully-grown mountain gorilla!"
Richie : Yes, when he said "Comparable in size." I didn't realize he meant "An awful lot smaller than."
Eddie : What, you mean it didn't work?
Richie : Well, yes, he did enhance it temporarily. But, when it said on the door "Revolutionary new enlargement technique!" I didn't realize he was gonna stick me in a cubicle for half and hour with a copy of Razzle! Eighty-five quid! I could've been watching Emmerdale Farm now!
Eddie : Yeah, then you could've got one for free!
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Eddie : This is unbearable. We could be missing a Watchdog special on faulty bikinis.
Richie : Oh don't. Right, come on, Eddie, we should try and be positive about the lack of telly, we should treat this an educational, spiritual and cultural plus. So... Tiddlywinks?
Eddie : No, no, no, we ended up in hospital last time, remember?
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Richie : [It's dawn and Richie is still learning Chess] Right, let's just go through the rules one more time and then we can start properly.
[Picks up a knight]
Richie : Now how does the racehorse move again?
Eddie : It's not a racehorse, it's a knight.
Richie : Well, where's the knight then?
Eddie : Well, he must've fallen off.
Richie : Not much of a knight then, is he?
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Richie : So, you think you're good at games, do you, big boy? Well, what about a real game? A game of champions! The clash of the great big minds! The battle of the Titans!
Eddie : You don't mean...?
Richie : Yes!
Eddie : ...a 'See How Much Custard You Can Hold In Your Underpants' competition?
Richie : Yeah... no! Although that's a bloody good idea. We might come on to that later, if my idea doesn't work out. But this time, I really think you ought to let the custard cool down a little bit.
Eddie : And that handstand rule is a complete disaster.
Richie : Apart from that, bloody good game.
Eddie : Absolutely. Mind you, you always have a considerable advantage because your underpants are so stupendously huge.
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Richie : Let's have a cocktail, what would James Bond have?
Eddie : Well, he'd have a load of birds round his gaff, and a corset on so no-one would guess he was sixty.
Richie : Vodka Martini! That's it, Vodka Martini, shaken about the place but not spilt.
Eddie : Right, now how do you make Vodka Martini?
Richie : Well it's gotta have some vodka in it, what about vodka and... martini? Or is that being too stupid?
Eddie : We haven't got any vodka and we haven't got any martini.
Richie : Oh. What have we got?
Eddie : We've got a wee drop of pernod and half a bottle of ouzo.
Richie : That'll do nicely! And don't forget to put a bit of salt around the rim.
Eddie : I beg your pardon?
Richie : Oh come on, Eddie, I know what I'm talking about, everybody in Hollywood does it.
Eddie : I think I'll just put a bit of salt around the edge of the glass if it's all the same with you.
