- Various: Hi there. I'm an on-air personality. Y'know, after a tough day of shooting my hit television series "The State", there's nothing I enjoy more than having some unprotected sex.
- Coach Gunner: [blows a whistle] Alright you little snot-nosed girls! I hope you got your crotch noseguards on! You athletes better be wearing your penile supporters! Jerry Johnson, whatchu do doin'?
- Jerry: [with a book in hand] I'm, uh, finishing The Catcher In The Rye.
- Coach Gunner: Whooo hoo hoo! Well do you wanna play sports today, missy? Or do you wanna read that pom-pom girly picture book?
- Partygoer: [talking to kids] I mean like you're there, it's 1st grade, 1st grade, it's cool, it's cool. You're doing your alphabet, you're doing basic mathematics, adding, subtracting, that kind of thing. 2nd grade it gets a little harder but it's still cool. Cootie spray, no cooties, black magic, boys, girls, that whole thing but it's cool.