Michael Rapaport: Dave Gold

Quotes 

• Dave Gold : You know the problem with this country is? Everyone has a freaking dream and it's only in America. I mean, have you ever heard of "the Canadian Dream"? No. And there's no such thing as "the Mexican Dream" other than to sneak across the border to have "the American Dream." As much as I hate dreams, yeah, I can't help it, you know? I still have hopes and dreams for my own kids. Mainly that they'll sneak across the border into Mexico and leave me the hell alone.

• Vicky Gold : Well, at least one of our kids is thinking about their future. Hillary still hasn't even touched those college applications. Oh, which reminds me, I ran into Grace Chan, and she told me that Tina got accepted into a six-year combined med school program. Why can't Hillary be more like her?

  Dave Gold : In all fairness, Tina Chan is Chinese. You know, maybe she's just more focused because, you know, she knows what she wants to do, you know, she has a dream to shoot for.

  Vicky Gold : Maybe she just has better parents.

  Dave Gold : Yes, but in all fairness, they too are Chinese.

• Hillary Gold : [to Dave and Vicky]  Wait, you guys always told me how beautiful my voice is.

  Dave Gold : Yeah, well, you know... we were lying.

  Hillary Gold : Why would you do that?

  Vicky Gold : Because, honey, that's what parents do, to build up your self-esteem.

  Dave Gold : Yeah, yeah, I mean, we also told you, you know, you were great at ballet.

  Hillary Gold : I was great at ballet! I was in "The Nutcracker", remember?

  Dave Gold : No, no, no, sweetie. You were the nutcracker. You kicked that poor kid, Monty right in the bean bag.

• Dave Gold : Hey, uh, do you know that, uh, Larry's running for class president?

  [Vicky laughs] 

  Dave Gold : He could win.

  [Vicky continues to laugh] 

  Dave Gold : He could.

  Vicky Gold : Honey, Larry couldn't win a school election if he was home-schooled.

• Vicky Gold : [about Mike when she finds a condom in his pocket]  I mean, how are we gonna handle this? What are we gonna say to him?

  Dave Gold : I'm thinking, uh, "Give me five, little pimp."

• Dave Gold : [to Hillary as they look through a book of jobs]  How about zoologist?

  Hillary Gold : How about you put a bullet in my head?

  Dave Gold : [cut scene]  How about you hand me a gun and hold still?

• Dave Gold : [to Mike]  Look your mother, uh your mother found an empty condom wrapper in your, uh, in your pocket, and we just wanted to know if, uh, you... uh... planted your flag on Mount Hottie.

  Mike Gold : What? No, okay? I didn't use the condom.

  Vicky Gold : Then what were you doing with it?

  Mike Gold : Jeff Allen brought a pack to school. What was I supposed to say, Mom? "No, thanks. I have no use for that. I'm a virgin. Spread the word."

• Vicky Gold : We spent years trying to make the kids feel good about themselves, telling them they could be anything they want when they grow up. At what point to you start being realistic with them?

  Dave Gold : [referring to Hillary]  Right now. Let's go tell her she sucks.

• Vicky Gold : [to Dave about Hillary]  If we go up there and tell her her dream is ridiculous, she'll hate us.

  Dave Gold : I don't care, okay? She's going to college. Okay, so for her own good, I'm gonna go upstairs right now and I'm gonna crush that dream, okay? I'm gonna snap its little neck. Then I'm gonna stomp on it. Then I'm gonna ground it into the dirt like a little bug, you see? Then I'm gonna scrape it off the bottom of my shoe, and I'm gonna flick it at her.

  Vicky Gold : Or we could be caring, loving parents and pretend to support her on this and let the rest of the world rip her heart out.

  Dave Gold : If you want to take all the fun out of it.

• Dave Gold : [about Larry]  The chess club? Why doesn't he just run for president of the "I Will Never Touch a Girl's Chest" club.

• Dave Gold : [to Larry and Kenny]  Hey, what's up, guys? How's the election going? You think you got any chance of winning?

  [cut scene] 

  Dave Gold : Dear God, please, please let him say no. Please.

  [end of cut scene] 

  Larry Gold : It'd be hard not to. I'm running unopposed.

  Dave Gold : [cut scene]  Why do you hate me?