Anita Barone: Vicky Gold

Quotes 

• Vicky Gold : Well, at least one of our kids is thinking about their future. Hillary still hasn't even touched those college applications. Oh, which reminds me, I ran into Grace Chan, and she told me that Tina got accepted into a six-year combined med school program. Why can't Hillary be more like her?

  Dave Gold : In all fairness, Tina Chan is Chinese. You know, maybe she's just more focused because, you know, she knows what she wants to do, you know, she has a dream to shoot for.

  Vicky Gold : Maybe she just has better parents.

  Dave Gold : Yes, but in all fairness, they too are Chinese.

• Hillary Gold : [to Dave and Vicky]  Wait, you guys always told me how beautiful my voice is.

  Dave Gold : Yeah, well, you know... we were lying.

  Hillary Gold : Why would you do that?

  Vicky Gold : Because, honey, that's what parents do, to build up your self-esteem.

  Dave Gold : Yeah, yeah, I mean, we also told you, you know, you were great at ballet.

  Hillary Gold : I was great at ballet! I was in "The Nutcracker", remember?

  Dave Gold : No, no, no, sweetie. You were the nutcracker. You kicked that poor kid, Monty right in the bean bag.

• Dave Gold : Hey, uh, do you know that, uh, Larry's running for class president?

  [Vicky laughs] 

  Dave Gold : He could win.

  [Vicky continues to laugh] 

  Dave Gold : He could.

  Vicky Gold : Honey, Larry couldn't win a school election if he was home-schooled.

• Vicky Gold : [about Mike when she finds a condom in his pocket]  I mean, how are we gonna handle this? What are we gonna say to him?

  Dave Gold : I'm thinking, uh, "Give me five, little pimp."

• Vicky Gold : [about Hilary]  Wow, we're good. I mean, she went from being unfocused to being unfocused and depressed. Let's see the Chans do that.

• Dave Gold : [to Mike]  Look your mother, uh your mother found an empty condom wrapper in your, uh, in your pocket, and we just wanted to know if, uh, you... uh... planted your flag on Mount Hottie.

  Mike Gold : What? No, okay? I didn't use the condom.

  Vicky Gold : Then what were you doing with it?

  Mike Gold : Jeff Allen brought a pack to school. What was I supposed to say, Mom? "No, thanks. I have no use for that. I'm a virgin. Spread the word."

• Vicky Gold : We spent years trying to make the kids feel good about themselves, telling them they could be anything they want when they grow up. At what point to you start being realistic with them?

  Dave Gold : [referring to Hillary]  Right now. Let's go tell her she sucks.

• Vicky Gold : [to Dave about Hillary]  If we go up there and tell her her dream is ridiculous, she'll hate us.

  Dave Gold : I don't care, okay? She's going to college. Okay, so for her own good, I'm gonna go upstairs right now and I'm gonna crush that dream, okay? I'm gonna snap its little neck. Then I'm gonna stomp on it. Then I'm gonna ground it into the dirt like a little bug, you see? Then I'm gonna scrape it off the bottom of my shoe, and I'm gonna flick it at her.

  Vicky Gold : Or we could be caring, loving parents and pretend to support her on this and let the rest of the world rip her heart out.

  Dave Gold : If you want to take all the fun out of it.