How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Brunch (2006)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Virginia Mosby : I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.

  Barney Stinson : St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.

  Ted : Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

• Virginia Mosby : So we are definitely going to try and communicate more.

  Alfred Mosby : From now on, full disclosure.

  Ted : Good. Good, I think it'll be really good for the family. By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't returned my last couple calls.

  Virginia Mosby : [Avoiding Ted's gaze]  I'm gonna get some juice.

  Ted : No.

  [Realization dawning] 

  Ted : No.

• Ted : No, no, no! We're not just going to blow past this. I mean, I don't even know you people. I don't even know how you met.

  Alfred Mosby : I never told you how I met your mother?

  Ted : No.

  Alfred Mosby : Oh, great story. At a bar!

  Ted : That's it? That's what passes for communication in our family? When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother I'm gonna tell them everything. The whole damn story.

  Alfred Mosby : I think it was an Irish bar.

• Ted : My head is about to explode, and I don't want to get it on anybody's waffles, so I'm leaving.

• Ted : Barney, what are you doing here?

  Barney Stinson : I'm here to meet your parents. They must be dying to meet me after all the legendary Barney stories you've told them.

  Ted : I haven't told them any legendary Barney stories.

  Barney Stinson : WHAT?

  Ted : Here's a list of all the things I talk with my dad about: Baseball -

  [pauses and makes a "that's it" gesture] 

• Narrator : Kids, you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006 when grandma and grandpa came to visit me, and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy right? Wrong.

  Lily Aldrin : [Cut to brunch]  I wish your face would melt off.

  Marshall Eriksen : I wish your eyeballs would explode.

  Lily Aldrin : I hate you.

  Marshall Eriksen : I hate you more.

  Ted : [Cut to Ted and Barney's area of the table]  I'm gonna kill him

  Barney Stinson : I can't say I blame you.

  Ted : No, I'm *seriously* gonna kill him.

  Robin Scherbatsky : [Now to Robin and Ted' mom]  I don't care how unpleasant it is, you have to talk to him!

  Virginia Mosby : Not now!

  Robin Scherbatsky : Okay, if you won't, I will

  [Tries to stand up and accidentally knocks a tray out a a waitress' hand] 

  Narrator : Okay, for any of this to make sense, you gotta understand there are three parts to this story...

• Virginia Mosby : Your cousin Jimmy had a wonderful time at that spa he visited.

  Ted : You mean the spa the judge ordered him to go to to quit cocaine?

  Virginia Mosby : [Still smiling tightly]  Coffee?

• Ted : My dad made out with Wendy the waitress? He cheated on my mom? No, that's impossible!

  Barney Stinson : Ted, it's a well known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.

  Ted : Do you know that whenever you make up a statistic you always use 83%?

  Barney Stinson : You think I'm lying. Well have *you* done any surveys on the subject? Because the good people at www.swingers.openmarriageisnatural/legalizepolygamy.org have and they beg to differ.

  Ted : That's not a real website.

  Barney Stinson : Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a *real* T-shirt for running in their 10k

• Virginia Mosby : Ted, we weren't quite sure how to tell you this...

  Alfred Mosby : Your mother and I are divorced.

  [Ted is stunned] 

  Ted : You... Wha... What do you mean you're divorced? Since when?

  Virginia Mosby : Oh gosh, it's been about nine months now.

  Alfred Mosby : Closer to ten I think.

  Virginia Mosby : Wow, time flies.

  Ted : So ten months ago you just up and decided to get divorced without telling me?

  Virginia Mosby : No it wasn't a snap decision.

  Alfred Mosby : We were separated almost two years.

• Ted : [after Barney tells him that his daddy was making out with Wendy the Waitress]  I wanted to confront him, but I couldn't. I guess I got the let's-not-talk-about-anything-uncomfortable gene

  Barney Stinson : Well, you didn't get your dad's close-the-deal gene, that's for sure.

• Ted : One last thing about my mom. She grills every single one of my girlfriends about when we're gonna get married and have kids.

  Robin Scherbatsky : But this is the first time she's meeting me.

  Ted : Doesn't matter. And you'll know it's coming when she mentions my cousin Stacy: six kids in five years. The woman's basically a ride at a water park.

  Robin Scherbatsky : But I don't want to get married and have kids. What am I supposed to say?

  Ted : You know what? You're an adult with perfectly valid opinions. You shouldn't have to apologize for them.

  Robin Scherbatsky : I'm gonna lie.

  Ted : I would.

• Ted : [after finding out his parents are divorced]  How could you not tell me this?

  Virginia Mosby : We meant to, it just never seemed like the right time.

  Ted : So last Christmas...?

  Alfred Mosby : We talked about telling you kids then, but it didn't seem very Christmasy.

• Alfred Mosby : We're sorry we didn't say anything about the divorce.

  Virginia Mosby : It was wrong not to tell you.

  Ted : Thank you.

  Alfred Mosby : But listen, don't tell your sister.

  Virginia Mosby : It would just upset her.

• Barney Stinson : Ted, it's a well-known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.

  Ted : Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83%?