- Mrs. Stinson: [Explaining to Young James and Barney why they look different] Well, boys, you look different because when I was pregnant with you,
- [Points to Barney]
- Mrs. Stinson: I only ate vanilla ice cream. And when I was pregnant with you
- [Points to James]
- Mrs. Stinson: , can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate?
- Young James: Coffee?
- Mrs. Stinson: No, James, I ate chocolate ice cream. But I did drink tons of coffee when I was pregnant with both of you. Can't smoke without my coffee.
- Ted: Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike.
- Lily: James is gay.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Really?
- [to Barney]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Never in a million years would I picture you with a gay brother; that's awesome!
- Ted: Yeah, we just wanted you to have a heads-up so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.
- [Barney's black brother enters the apartment]
- Robin Scherbatsky: [sarcastic] Thanks for the heads-up.
- Robin Scherbatsky: How come it never came up that Barney has a gay black brother?
- Ted: Is he black? I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses on what's inside a person rather than the color of their skin. I'm just kidding. I just wanted to see the look on your face.
- Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
- Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
- Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
- Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
- Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean!
- [back on topic]
- Barney: Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out.
- [in despair]
- Barney: Think of how the American family will be strengthened!
- Barney: It used to be the two of us being awesome, while you guys went two by two into your ark of sexless boredom.
- Ted: Can't two straight guys go into a gay bar and enjoy some techno and conversation without being hit on?
- Lily: I miss my jammies. I can't believe I wore a bra for this.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
- Lily: Yeah! They're like a booby zoo!
- Lily: James, how have you been?
- James: Awesome, as per "yoozh." I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary. And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals."Legendarier." And by now you've noticed the suit. go 'head, touch it. Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit dropped dead, which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it. C'mon. Gimme five!
- Older Ted: Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, you can always tell the difference between the singles and the couples. You just have to look for the signs. Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability.
- [See Barney and James]
- Older Ted: Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house, are obsessed with finding a place to sit down.
- [See Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily]
- Older Ted: There are a lot of other indicators, too. From choice of social lubricant... to basic body language. But the point is, there are many ways to tell whether someone has Single Stamina or Couples Coma.
- Older Ted: In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep in couple hibernation mode. Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.
- Barney: [Entering the apartment] Okay. All-night rave, abandoned tire factory in Newark. We're on the list. Who's in?
- Ted: Nope.
- Robin Scherbatsky: No.
- Barney: [Another time] Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?
- Ted: Nope.
- Lily, Robin Scherbatsky, Marshall Eriksen: No, thanks.
- Barney: [And again] One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?
- Marshall Eriksen: Shh... Lily went sleepy-bye.
- James: Guys! You are young, attractive people here in the greatest city on Earth! There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming wishing they could be here. But instead, they are in someone's basement drinking bad malt liquor debating whether they're gonna spend the rest of their Saturday night in the parking lot of the feed store or in some other dude's basement. You owe it to them to rise up and shimmy your lazy asses into something hot. And you go out there and YOU LIVE THE DREAM! Can I get a hell yeah?
- Marshall Eriksen: Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once, lucky twice, and... whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in?
- James: Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. But I will say this: way more back hair than any guy who can afford laser hair removal should have.
- Barney: [Discovers James texting in the club] Let me see your phone.
- James: Why?
- Barney: I just want to see your phone. Let me see your phone.
- [Tries to grab it]
- James: No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone! And it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it, and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing. It's so amazing how far technology has come. What kind of phone do you have?
- Barney: I got...
- [Gets the phone, the background is a photo of James and another guy]
- Barney: Who is this? And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name."
- James: That is Tom. And he's my fiancé.