How to Train Your Dragon (2010)
Craig Ferguson: Gobber
Photos
Quotes
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Hiccup : [about the Night Fury] I really did hit one.
Gobber : Sure.
Hiccup : He never listens!
Gobber : Well, it runs in the family.
Hiccup : And when he does, it's always with this... disappointed scowl, like someone skimped on the meat in his sandwich.
[imitating]
Hiccup : "Excuse me, barmaid! I'm afraid you brought me the wrong offspring! I ordered an extra-large boy with beefy arms, extra guts and glory on the side. This here, this is a talking fish-bone!"
Gobber : Now, you're thinkin' about this all wrong. It's not so much what you *look* like, it's what's *inside* that he can't stand.
[pause]
Hiccup : [sarcastic] Thank you for summing that up.
Gobber : Look the point is, stop trying so hard to be something you're not!
Hiccup : I just wanna be one of you guys!
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Gobber : Look for its blind spot! Every dragon has one. Find it, hide in it, and strike!
[Tuffnut and Ruffnut huddle in front of the dragon's face]
Ruffnut : [sniffing] Whoa! Do you *ever* bathe?
Tuffnut : You don't like it, then just get your own blind spot!
[they shove at each other]
Ruffnut : How about I give *you* one...!
[the dragon blasts fire at them, they run for cover]
Gobber : Blind spot, yes. Deaf spot... Not so much.
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Hiccup : Aw, come on, let me out, please? I need to make my mark!
Gobber : Oh, you've made plenty of marks! All in the wrong places!
Hiccup : Please, two minutes! I'll kill a dragon, my life will get infinitely better... I might even get a date!
Gobber : You can't lift a hammer, you can't swing an axe, you can't even throw one of these!
[holds up a set of bolas]
Hiccup : [gesturing to a catapult machine of his own making] Okay fine, but this will throw it for me!
[He touches the machine and it fires a set of bolas through the window, knocking out another Viking]
Gobber : See, now this right here is what I'm talkin' about!
Hiccup : It, it... mild calibration issue, I...
Gobber : Don't you... no, Hiccup! If you ever want to get out there to fight dragons, you need to stop all... this.
[gestures to all of Hiccup]
Hiccup : But you just pointed to all of me!
Gobber : Yes! That's it! Stop being all of you!
Hiccup : [annoyed, squinting sideways at him] Oh...
Gobber : Oh, yeah!
Hiccup : You, sir, are playing a dangerous game! Keeping this much raw... viking-ness... contained! There'll be consequences!
Gobber : [deadpan] I'll take my chances.
[heaves a dented sword into Hiccup's hands]
Gobber : Sword. Sharpened. Now.
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Gobber : Behind these doors are just a few of the many species you will learn to fight. The Deadly Nadder...
Fishlegs : [speaking rapidly] Speed Eight, Armor Sixteen...
Gobber : The Hideous Zippleback...
Fishlegs : Plus Eleven Stealth, times Two...
Gobber : The Monstrous Nightmare...
Fishlegs : Firepower Fifteen...
Gobber : The Terrible Terror...
Fishlegs : Attack Eight, Venom Twelve...
Gobber : [shouts] Can you stop that?
[normal voice]
Gobber : And... the Gronckle!
Fishlegs : [whispering to Hiccup] Jaw Strength Eight.
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Stoick : [about Hiccup] What am I going to do with him, Gobber?
Gobber : Put 'im in training with the others.
Stoick : No, I'm serious!
Gobber : So am I!
Stoick : He'd be killed before you let the first dragon out of its cage!
Gobber : Ah, you don't know that.
Stoick : I do know that.
Gobber : No you don't.
Stoick : No, actually, I do.
Gobber : No, you don't!
Stoick : Listen, you know what he's like. From the time he could crawl he's been... different. He doesn't listen, he has the attention span of a sparrow... I take him fishing and he goes hunting for, for trolls!
Gobber : Trolls exist! They steal your socks. But only the left ones. What's with that?
Stoick : When I was a boy...
Gobber : Oh here we go.
Stoick : ...my father told me to bang my head against a rock and I did it! I thought I was crazy, but I didn't question him. And you know what happened?
Gobber : You got a headache.
Stoick : That rock split in two! It taught me what a Viking can do, Gobber, he can, he can crush mountains, level forests, tame seas! Even as a boy, I knew what I was, what I had to become... Hiccup is not that boy.
Gobber : You can't stop him, Stoick. You can only prepare him. I know it seems hopeless, but the truth is you won't always be around to protect him! He's going to get out there again. He's probably out there now!
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[a Gronkle is let out into the training ring]
Gobber : Today is about survival. If you get blasted, you're dead. Quick! What's the first thing you're going to need?
Hiccup : A doctor?
Fishlegs : Plus five speed?
Astrid : A shield!
Gobber : Shield! Go!
[the teens scramble around to grab shields]
Gobber : Your most important piece of equipment is your shield! If you must make a choice between a sword or a shield, take the shield!
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Snotlout : [to Astrid, during training] So anyway, uh, I moved into my parents' basement? You should come by some time to work out. You look like you work out!
[his shield is knocked out by a Gronkle's fireball]
Gobber : Snotlout, you're done!
Hiccup : [to Astrid] So I guess it's just you and me, huh?
Astrid : Nope, just you.
[she dodges away and Hiccup's shield is hit by the Gronkle's fire]
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Gobber : Today is about teamwork! The Hideous Zippleback is extra tricky. One head *breathes* gas, the other head *lights* it. Your job, is to know which is which!
Fishlegs : [whispering] Razor-sharp serrated teeth that inject venom for pre-digestion. Prefers ambush attack, crushing its victims...
Hiccup : Will you *please* stop that?
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Viking : Get to the ships!
Stoick : No, no...!
[the Green Death blasts the Viking ships, trapping the Vikings on the beach]
Gobber : Smart, that one.
Stoick : I was a fool. Lead the men to the far side of the island!
Spitelout : Right!
Stoick : Gobber, go with the men!
Gobber : I think I'll stay, just in case you're thinking of doing something crazy.
Stoick : I can buy them a few minutes if I give that thing something to hunt!
Gobber : [takes his hand] Then I can double that time.
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Gobber : Welcome to Dragon Training!
Astrid : No turning back.
Tuffnut : I hope I get some serious burns!
Ruffnut : I'm hoping for some mauling, like, on my shoulder or lower back.
Astrid : Yeah, it's only fun if you get a scar out of it.
Hiccup : [deadpan] Yeah, no kidding, right? Pain. Love it.
Tuffnut : Oh great, who let *him* in?
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Gobber : [Slapping a thick book on the table] The Dragon Manual. Everything we know about every dragon we know of.
[Thunder rumbles]
Gobber : No attacks tonight. Study up.
Tuffnut : Wait, you mean *read*?
Ruffnut : While we're still alive?
Snotlout : Why read words when you can just kill the stuff the words tell you stuff about?
Fishlegs : [eagerly] Oh! I've read it like, seven times. There's this water dragon that sprays boiling water at your face, and, and there's this other one, that buries itself for like a week...
Tuffnut : [interrupting] Yeah, that sounds great. There was a chance I was gonna read that...
Ruffnut : But, now...?
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Gobber : And with one twist, he took my hand and swallowed it whole. And I saw the look on his face. I was delicious! He must have passed the word, because it wasn't a month before another one of them took my leg!
[gestures to his fake leg]
Fishlegs : Isn't it weird to think that your hand was inside a dragon? Like if your mind was still in control of it, you could have killed that dragon from the inside, by... crushing its heart, or something.
Snotlout : I swear, I'm so angry right now! I'll avenge your beautiful hand and your beautiful foot. I'll chop off the legs of every dragon I fight... with my face!
Gobber : Uh-uh-uh, no. It's the wings and the tails you really want. If it can't fly, it can't get away. A *downed* dragon... is a dead dragon.
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Gobber : [to Hiccup during dragon training] Don't worry. You're small and you're weak. That'll make you less of a target! They'll see you as sick or insane and go after the more viking-like teens instead.
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Gobber : [to a Gronckle] Get back to bed, you overgrown sausage!
