South Park (TV Series)

Go God Go XII (2006)

Trey Parker: Eric Cartman, Narrator, Cladius, A.A.L. #2, Maintenance Guy, A.A.L. #3, A.A.L. #4, U.A.L. #1, U.A.L. #2, Schpeck, Commercial VOs, Boy in Commercial #1, Boy in Commercial #3, Toy Shop Clerk, Otters, Man Receiving Prank-Call, Prank Call Boy #2, The Wise Otter, Otter #2, Mrs. Garrison

Quotes 

• [the Cartman of the year 2006 is tossing and turning in bed, impatient for a Nintendo Wii, when the phone rings] 

  Past Cartman : [getting up to answer it]  Hello?

  [he gets static, until...] 

  Cartman : [in a higher pitch]  Hello?

  [Past Cartman is surprised to hear his own voice on the other end] 

  Cartman : Are you there?

  Past Cartman : Who is this?

  Cartman : [in 2546, stops K-10 from telling him it's no one]  No, no, I have me.

  [returns to his past self] 

  Cartman : All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient!

  Past Cartman : [angry]  What? Who the hell is this?

  Cartman : It's me.

  Past Cartman : Me who?

  Cartman : Me you!

  Past Cartman : What?

  Cartman : I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of sea otters!

  Past Cartman : [sarcasm]  Oh, very funny, Kyle!

  Cartman : It's not Kyle, it's you!

  Past Cartman : Yeah? Well, you can go fuck yourself!

  Cartman : [shouts]  I'm trying to do you a favor, dumbass! Just listen to me!

  Past Cartman : Listen to this!

  [farts on the phone, then hangs it up] 

  Past Cartman : Dickhead.

  [the phone rings again, but Past Cartman picks it up and quickly slams it down again] 

  Cartman : [surprised at his own reaction in the past]  What an asshole!

• [Cartman tries calling Butters to stop his past self from freezing again, when his past self appears again] 

  Past Cartman : Butters? Come on, we gotta go!

  Cartman : [hearing his past self]  No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!

  Butters : [confused]  Huh?

  Past Cartman : Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!

  Butters : But you're telling me not to go with you.

  Past Cartman : [surprised]  *What?*

  [enters the kitchen to talk to his future self] 

  Past Cartman : [shouts]  Who the fuck is this?

  Cartman : [shouts]  Aw, dammit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!

  Past Cartman : Suck my balls!

  Cartman : No, *you* suck my balls! Just listen to me for one minute!

  Past Cartman : [pause]  Okay, you have one minute.

  Cartman : Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a bunch of Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog in the closet so nothing would happen to him, right?

  Past Cartman : [shocked]  Are you spying on me?

  Cartman : [shouts]  No, I *am* you, you stupid asshole!

  Past Cartman : [shouts]  Fuck you, asshole! You can go fuck yourself!

  [hangs up the phone and puts his hood back on] 

  Past Cartman : Come on, Butters, we're going!

  Butters : Oh, all right then.

  Cartman : [in the future, frustrated]  God, I hate that guy!

• [the phone rings in Kyle's house, and Kyle goes to answer it] 

  Kyle : Hello?

  [he gets static until...] 

  Cartman : [voice from the future]  Hello? Kyle?

  Kyle : Hello?

  Cartman : Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?

  Kyle : [angry]  What do you want?

  Cartman : Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?

  Kyle : I'm not gonna help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!

  Cartman : No, see, I *know* it's a stupid idea. Because I actually did freeze myself and... you were right, Kyle. It backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future.

  Kyle : [with half-closed eyes]  ... Uh huh.

  Cartman : No, really, Kyle, I'm, I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog.

  [backs up to hand the phone to K-10] 

  K-10 : Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark.

  Kyle : [pause]  I'm hanging up now.

  Cartman : [shouts]  No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.

  Kyle : Suck my balls, fatass!

  Cartman : [pause]  I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle.

  [a car honks its horn, and Kyle looks over as it leaves] 

  Kyle : [shouts]  Aw, goddammit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you!

  [he hangs up the phone] 

• [Ms. Garrison and Richard Dawkins are having sex and groaning in her room when the phone rings] 

  Ms. Garrison : Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!

  Richard Dawkins : Oh, Ms. Garrison!

  Ms. Garrison : [hears the phone ring]  Dammit, who the hell is calling?

  Richard Dawkins : [moans]  I'll tell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah...

  [he answers the phone] 

  Richard Dawkins : Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?

  Cartman : [voice from the devastated future]  It's an emergency! It's an emergency!

  Richard Dawkins : [stops]  An emergency?

  Cartman : I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!

  Richard Dawkins : [moans, continually having sex]  I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment.

  Cartman : [shouts]  Look, asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!

  Richard Dawkins : [stops, shocked]  Sex-change operation?

  Ms. Garrison : [in a same shocking manner]  Uh oh.

  Richard Dawkins : [pulls out and protects his genitals, horrified]  Uuuuugh! You're a man?

  Ms. Garrison : Not anymore. I've been fixed.

  [Mr. Dawkins runs for his clothes, using them to protect his genitals] 

  Ms. Garrison : Richard, hold on. I can explain.

  Richard Dawkins : Explain? How can I be so stupid?

  [he runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes] 

  Ms. Garrison : [chasing Mr. Dawkins with her robe on]  Richard, come back, please!

  [Dawkins does not return, and Ms. Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash] 

  Ms. Garrison : [shouts]  Well, go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!

• [Cartman is returned to 2006, where he paces around the store again] 

  Cartman : [beamed into his body and checks again]  I'm back. Wow! I'm back!

  Liane Cartman : There you are, Eric.

  Cartman : Mom! Mom, they did it!

  Liane Cartman : Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.

  Cartman : [happy, for once]  No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for the Nintendo Wii to come out.

  Liane Cartman : But, honey, it's only September.

  [she points to the window] 

  Liane Cartman : That... Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.

  Cartman : [shocked]  What? No!

  [runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right] 

  Cartman : [shouts]  Nooo!

  [turns around and moves away from the storefront] 

  Cartman : [shouts to the sky]  You sent me back too far! Hey! Do it over!

  Liane Cartman : [puzzled]  Who are you talking to, muffin?

  Cartman : I can't wait two months!

  [runs back to the doors] 

  Cartman : I can't! There has to be a way around this!

  Clerk : [appears with the phone]  Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for ya.

  Cartman : [goes in the store to answer it]  Hello?

  Future Cartman : [voice from a screwed up future]  Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?

  Cartman : [angry]  Oh, suck my balls, Kyle!

  [he hangs up the phone and leaves the store] 

• Maintenance Guy : Uh, what kind of output does this have? This is some ancient Super-VHS output or somethin'. I can't connect it to your float screen.

  Future Cartman : There's gotta be some way to hook it up! It's the freakin' future!

  Maintenance Guy : It may be the future for you, but I can't hook up anything to a float screen without at least a laser-7 output.

  Future Cartman : You gotta be shittin' me! Science damn it!