How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

First Time in New York (2007)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Quotes 

• Barney Stinson : Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway.

  Marshall Eriksen : Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus.

  Barney Stinson : No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.

  Robin Scherbatsky : So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that.

  Barney Stinson : [ignoring what Robin just said]  The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys

  [pointing at Ted and Robin] 

  Barney Stinson : are gonna break up, mark your calendars.

  Ted Mosby : Hey!

  Robin Scherbatsky : What?

  Barney Stinson : Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?"

• Barney Stinson : Discouraging pre-marital sex is against my religion.

• Lily Aldrin : [to Barney]  Speaking of first times, we never got to hear your virginity story.

  Marshall Eriksen : That's right, I almost forgot.

  Barney Stinson : Okay. I was 16, and it was in a baseball dugout...

  Marshall Eriksen : Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

  Barney Stinson : I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...

  Ted Mosby : Risky Business.

  Barney Stinson : I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...

  Ted Mosby : That's War Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.

  Barney Stinson : All right!

  [Begrudgingly] 

  Barney Stinson : I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda. She called me "Barry" the whole time, and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes. You happy?

  Marshall Eriksen : [Noticing Barney's sadness]  Hey... Why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.

  Barney Stinson : Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.

  Ted Mosby : Did anyone put Baby in a corner?

  Barney Stinson : Oh, God, no. What can I say, I... had... the time of my life. True story.

• Katie Scherbatsky : You are such a hypocrite. You lost your virginity when you were sixteen.

  Robin Scherbatsky : How did you know that?

  Katie Scherbatsky : I read your diary. I found it in your old room slash my new room.

  Barney Stinson : I'll give you $10,000 for that diary.

• Robin Scherbatsky : You only get one shot at losing your virginity. And even though I just barely had sex, it counts.

  Lily Aldrin : What do you mean just barely?

  Robin Scherbatsky : Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool, but he... splashed around in the shallow end.

  Lily Aldrin : Then you didn't lose your virginity to him. Just barely doesn't count.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Yes, it does.

  Lily Aldrin : No, it doesn't.

  Marshall Eriksen : Yes, it does.

  Lily Aldrin : No, it doesn't. It doesn't count. End of story.

  Barney Stinson : Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot. Could it be that before Marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?

• Robin Scherbatsky : [after finding out her sister is planning on loosing her virginity]  This can't happen. She's my baby sister, okay? She should be watching The Little Mermaid and drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex.

  Ted Mosby : Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex. I was 17.

  Marshall Eriksen : [Gestures to himself and Lily]  We were 18.

  Ted Mosby : Barney was probably 12.

  Barney Stinson : [laughs nervously]  Good one, Ted. I was, uh, six... fourt... How old were you again?

  Ted Mosby : 17.

  Barney Stinson : Dude, me, too.