Family Guy (TV Series)

Padre de Familia (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Carter Pewterschmidt, Rapid Dave, Peter the Pig, Superman, Uninjured Veteran #2, Pasquel

Photos 

Quotes 

• Brian Griffin : Peter you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.

  Peter Griffin : That's not true Brian. I remember 9/11.

  [Flashback to Lois watching 9/11 news footage. Peter walks by] 

  Peter Griffin : 'Eh must have been a woman pilot huh?

• Peter Griffin : Now your talking Angela, this country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig a new house

  [Goes to a straw house, Big Bad Wolf Blows on the house] 

  Peter the Pig : ah I wouldn't do that if I were you

  Big Bad wolf : What?

  Peter the Pig : I said I wouldn't do that

  [He carries on anyway] 

  Peter the Pig : I said knock it of.

  Big Bad wolf : why?

  Peter the Pig : Because I made stool in there & if you blow it down the whole woods is gonna stink. do you understand, do you understand me sir.

• Tom Tucker : And here comes Oliver Stone. Here to promote his new movie, "Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July," which he promises to be even "July-i-er" than the first... A dangerously insane man, there.

• Immigration Officer : Complete this sentence: The land of the free and the home of the blank.

  Peter Griffin : Home of the Whopper?

• Peter Griffin : Hello, my American family.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, where did you get that suit?

  Stewie Griffin : My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!

• Brian Griffin : Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?

  Peter Griffin : Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security.

  Brian Griffin : He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist.

  Peter Griffin : Or was he supreme leader of al-Qaeda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.

  Peter Griffin : [a la Darth Vader]  They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take 'em away!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, Peter, you look exhausted.

  Peter Griffin : I am, Lois. Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal. Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo, I only made 25 bucks.

  Lois Griffin : Now, look, don't get upset, but I've been so worried about you that I asked someone for help.

  Peter Griffin : Who?

  Carter : Hello, fatass.

  Peter Griffin : [defiantly]  Lois, immigrants don't take handouts. They just take one DVD a month from the house they're cleaning until they have a respectable collection.

  Lois Griffin : It's not a handout, it's a job. Daddy employs lots of immigrants, and he said you could work at the mansion.

  Peter Griffin : Really? Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I promise I won't let you down.

  Carter : Well, they all do eventually. Except for Noriega. God bless him and his drug money. I wish he were here today.

  Noriega : Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

  Carter : Oh, look who it is!

  [chasing him around] 

  Carter : Come here so I can give you a hug. Come here so I can give you a hug.

• Chris Griffin : [at a Veteran's Day parade]  Mom, how come when we see these guys on the street corner, you tell me not to stare at 'em, and today that's all we're doing?

  Lois Griffin : Because, Chris, as Americans, we owe our lives to these veterans.

  Peter Griffin : Hey, look, Lois. "The John McCain Experience."

  [paying a vendor, he sits in a bamboo cage; a Vietnamese man locks it and pokes him with a stick] 

  Peter Griffin : Aah! Aah! Aah!

  [sobbing] 

  Peter Griffin : I wanna be president!

• Peter Griffin : So, give me the good news. Did I pass?

  INS Employee : I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Señor Griffin. So far, you've failed everything, including the "behaving like an American at the airport" test.

  [cut to the airport, where Peter is dressed in a business suit, is on the phone, and carrying a tray of fast food] 

  Peter Griffin : No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on my way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Ooh, a Sbarro. I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it.

  Peter Griffin : I threw it away.

  Stewie Griffin : What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff. And where's my goat?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, why would you do that?

  Peter Griffin : Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children, so I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.

  [he puts a DVD in the player] 

  Sylvester : I got you now, mouse.

  Rapid Dave : Yeah? Well, up yours, cat. Quickly, quickly, quickly, run fast!

  [speeding away] 

  Rapid Dave : Run fast, quickly!

• Peter Griffin : Man, that really makes me mad: illegal immigrants coming into this country, taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on. We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno.

• Peter Griffin : Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country. It's like loving God or a step-parent. Y-You never really feel them love you back, but that's okay because they got other stuff going on and you understand.

  Brian Griffin : Peter, you do realize there's a difference between loving America and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia.

  Peter Griffin : Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything?

  Brian Griffin : What? No, I was just...

  Peter Griffin : Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, how come you're not at work?

  Peter Griffin : I got fired for being an illegal immigrant.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, dear. You know, Peter, you can always take a citizenship test. I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed, it can't be that difficult.

  Peter Griffin : Well, by that logic, Lois, it can't be that difficult to nail Lindsay Lohan.

  Lois Griffin : I don't think it is.

  Peter Griffin : Oh. Well, good news there. All right, you wanna head down to the INS?

• Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you gonna do about a job? We can't just keep eating into our savings.

  Peter Griffin : I'll just have to find a job for an illegal immigrant.

  Meg Griffin : I can't believe this is happening to our family.

  Peter Griffin : It's taken us all by surprise, Meg. Like that realistic original ending to "Dirty Dancing".

• Joe Swanson : Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot.

  Peter Griffin : You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the Space Shuttle and my nads tattooed to look like launch exhaust.

  Glenn Quagmire : [thinking]  That bastard! That was my idea; he stole it. I was gonna do that to my penis. Oh, well, maybe I can do something else like-like... like the Space Needle or a banana... or a Sharpie. Ah, I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music.

  [he bobs his head in time to Eddie Rabbitt's "I Love a Rainy Night"] 

• Carter : What's going on here?

  Peter Griffin : We're taking what's ours! Actually, we're taking what's yours, but we don't think you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it!