- Brian Griffin: Peter you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.
- Peter Griffin: That's not true Brian. I remember 9/11.
- [Flashback to Lois watching 9/11 news footage. Peter walks by]
- Peter Griffin: 'Eh must have been a woman pilot huh?
- Peter Griffin: Now your talking Angela, this country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig a new house
- [Goes to a straw house, Big Bad Wolf Blows on the house]
- Peter the Pig: ah I wouldn't do that if I were you
- Big Bad wolf: What?
- Peter the Pig: I said I wouldn't do that
- [He carries on anyway]
- Peter the Pig: I said knock it of.
- Big Bad wolf: why?
- Peter the Pig: Because I made stool in there & if you blow it down the whole woods is gonna stink. do you understand, do you understand me sir.
- Tom Tucker: And here comes Oliver Stone. Here to promote his new movie, "Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July," which he promises to be even "July-i-er" than the first... A dangerously insane man, there.
- Immigration Officer: Complete this sentence: The land of the free and the home of the blank.
- Peter Griffin: Home of the Whopper?
- Peter Griffin: Hello, my American family.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, where did you get that suit?
- Stewie Griffin: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!
- Brian Griffin: Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
- Peter Griffin: Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security.
- Brian Griffin: He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist.
- Peter Griffin: Or was he supreme leader of al-Qaeda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
- Peter Griffin: [a la Darth Vader] They are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take 'em away!
- Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, you look exhausted.
- Peter Griffin: I am, Lois. Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal. Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo, I only made 25 bucks.
- Lois Griffin: Now, look, don't get upset, but I've been so worried about you that I asked someone for help.
- Peter Griffin: Who?
- Carter: Hello, fatass.
- Peter Griffin: [defiantly] Lois, immigrants don't take handouts. They just take one DVD a month from the house they're cleaning until they have a respectable collection.
- Lois Griffin: It's not a handout, it's a job. Daddy employs lots of immigrants, and he said you could work at the mansion.
- Peter Griffin: Really? Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I promise I won't let you down.
- Carter: Well, they all do eventually. Except for Noriega. God bless him and his drug money. I wish he were here today.
- Noriega: Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
- Carter: Oh, look who it is!
- [chasing him around]
- Carter: Come here so I can give you a hug. Come here so I can give you a hug.
- Chris Griffin: [at a Veteran's Day parade] Mom, how come when we see these guys on the street corner, you tell me not to stare at 'em, and today that's all we're doing?
- Lois Griffin: Because, Chris, as Americans, we owe our lives to these veterans.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, look, Lois. "The John McCain Experience."
- [paying a vendor, he sits in a bamboo cage; a Vietnamese man locks it and pokes him with a stick]
- Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! Aah!
- [sobbing]
- Peter Griffin: I wanna be president!
- Peter Griffin: So, give me the good news. Did I pass?
- INS Employee: I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Señor Griffin. So far, you've failed everything, including the "behaving like an American at the airport" test.
- [cut to the airport, where Peter is dressed in a business suit, is on the phone, and carrying a tray of fast food]
- Peter Griffin: No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on my way to the next plane now. Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch. Ooh, a Sbarro. I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it.
- Peter Griffin: I threw it away.
- Stewie Griffin: What? What the hell, man? I don't throw away your stuff. And where's my goat?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, why would you do that?
- Peter Griffin: Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children, so I created his American equivalent, Rapid Dave.
- [he puts a DVD in the player]
- Sylvester: I got you now, mouse.
- Rapid Dave: Yeah? Well, up yours, cat. Quickly, quickly, quickly, run fast!
- [speeding away]
- Rapid Dave: Run fast, quickly!
- Peter Griffin: Man, that really makes me mad: illegal immigrants coming into this country, taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well, I am gonna make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on. We are gonna patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno.
- Peter Griffin: Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country. It's like loving God or a step-parent. Y-You never really feel them love you back, but that's okay because they got other stuff going on and you understand.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, you do realize there's a difference between loving America and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia.
- Peter Griffin: Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything?
- Brian Griffin: What? No, I was just...
- Peter Griffin: Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian. 9/11 changed everything.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, how come you're not at work?
- Peter Griffin: I got fired for being an illegal immigrant.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, dear. You know, Peter, you can always take a citizenship test. I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed, it can't be that difficult.
- Peter Griffin: Well, by that logic, Lois, it can't be that difficult to nail Lindsay Lohan.
- Lois Griffin: I don't think it is.
- Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, good news there. All right, you wanna head down to the INS?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you gonna do about a job? We can't just keep eating into our savings.
- Peter Griffin: I'll just have to find a job for an illegal immigrant.
- Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to our family.
- Peter Griffin: It's taken us all by surprise, Meg. Like that realistic original ending to "Dirty Dancing".
- Joe Swanson: Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot.
- Peter Griffin: You bet I am. I just had my penis tattooed to look like the Space Shuttle and my nads tattooed to look like launch exhaust.
- Glenn Quagmire: [thinking] That bastard! That was my idea; he stole it. I was gonna do that to my penis. Oh, well, maybe I can do something else like-like... like the Space Needle or a banana... or a Sharpie. Ah, I'm boring myself. Guess I'll listen to some music.
- [he bobs his head in time to Eddie Rabbitt's "I Love a Rainy Night"]
- Carter: What's going on here?
- Peter Griffin: We're taking what's ours! Actually, we're taking what's yours, but we don't think you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it!