- old lady: Hey! You're not the real Father Christmas.
- The Scunner Campbell: Push off, pie face.
- old lady: He's old and kind, with real white hair and whiskers.
- The Scunner Campbell: How'd you like my sack in your gob, you fur coated frump, eh?
- Reporter: [narrating] It was obvious from the first that nothing in life had ever gone right for Sid Scouse. First, there was his appearance: Burt Reynolds had nothing to fear from Sid Scouse.
- Sid Scouse: Buy a ticket? Please buy a ticket.
- Willard: Scottish circus?
- Sid Scouse: Shh! It's a showbiz tradition. You must never mention the Scottish lot.
- The Scunner Campbell: [posing as Father Christmas] And what would you like for Christmas, Walt?
- [Walt whispers into Santa Scunner's ear]
- The Scunner Campbell: Replace your wife with a Page Three lookalike? No chance, Walt.
- Reporter: [narrating] And from the unmentionable Scottish circus came Samantha McCellulite and her performing poodles.
- Sid Scouse: We've got to do something, Inventor Black, or Supergran will be Super goner.
- Inventor Black: I know, Sidney, I know. But what?
- Edison: Granddad, granddad, you're freezing machine, remember?
- Inventor Black: Of course, of course! My freezing machine. Oh you clever girl. Now where did I put it?
- [looks under his seat]
- Inventor Black: Ah! Here we are, got it.
- Supergran: It's only good wee children, and super gran's, that get to see the real Father Christmas.