- [Shawn is undercover, leading a show at the planetarium]
- Shawn Spencer: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I will be your narrator. My name is Aurora Borealis. There are over four... hundred stars in our galaxy, maybe more. No one knows for sure. Many have said that the universe is even larger than the Indian Ocean, and that is why it is called Infinitum Starioctopusium.
- [constellations light up]
- Shawn Spencer: Ah yes, our glorious constellations. There they all are, take a look. Over here, we have one with a guy holding some sort of... thing. Over here, our beloved Olympic rings, all seven of them. And here, here's one with a fish.
- Vernon Stallings: [whispering] You gotta name them.
- Shawn Spencer: Notice straight, straight above you, the Hammer of Jeff. And over there to the south...
- Vernon Stallings: [whispering] North.
- Shawn Spencer: ...north, you will see Monkey With Rash. The Egyptians used to set their clocks by it. Oh, look, there goes an asteroid!
- Vernon Stallings: [whispering] Comet.
- Shawn Spencer: Comet! It's what they named that cleaning solution after. I know it may stink when you leave it in the sink, but boy oh boy, does it clean.
- Shawn Spencer: [trying to console a drunken and depressed Lassiter] You're a striking man with strong features, eyes that women wanna do cannonballs into, you have great posture and penmanship the likes I've never seen.
- Shawn Spencer: Is there a reason you're standing so close to me?
- Vernon Stallings: Just looking.
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, well, that's the great thing about looking - you can do it from far, far away.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You have one job. I have two jobs, Shawn. I have presentations to memorize on three new drugs, and while you were out drinking last night and taking on free cases, I was up half the night dreaming about whether the gel caps are more effective than the tablets.
- Shawn Spencer: First of all, tablets, always tablets. That's a given. Secondly, I've been having this recurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem.
- [beat]
- Shawn Spencer: But your dream was pretty interesting, too.
- Juliet O'Hara: "Carlton"?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes, Carlton. With a K.
- Mary Vallery: Two K's.
- Shawn Spencer: The second one is silent.
- Mary Vallery: Oh.
- [pause]
- Juliet O'Hara: Can I talk to you for a second in *your* office, Kuh-Karlton?
- [Jessica looks at her watch, then at the planetarium]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Is something wrong?
- Jessica: They've been in there forty-five minutes.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: So?
- Jessica: It's a four minute show.
- [Shawn leaves the planetarium, the audience staggering out behind him]
- Shawn Spencer: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely why time travel is not only possible but may have already happened.
- Carlton Lassiter: Listen. There's something I've got to get off my chest.
- Shawn Spencer: Is it your shirt? Please say no!
- Shawn Spencer: Look, there's this creepy janitor that lurks about. I want you to distract him while I grill Planetarium Girl.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You are not grilling Jessica. She's just interning here until she gets her college units.
- Shawn Spencer: Jessica?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah.
- Shawn Spencer: How do you know her name is Je... Oh, Gus!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What?
- Shawn Spencer: You haven't been coming here on Thursdays to study the stars. You've been coming here for her!
- Hugo: You work here?
- Shawn Spencer: No, I just happen to own my own space suit.
- Hugo: A smart-ass. I like that.
- Shawn Spencer: Not now. 5 o'clock.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why 5?
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, I have a job here. I can't just leave willy-nilly
- Mary Vallery: Your name is Lassiter, too?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes, that's correct. Carlton Lassiter.
- Mary Vallery: But you're not affiliated with a Detective Carlton Lassiter who I met before.
- Shawn Spencer: Not in any way, shape, or form. Different departments. Matter of fact, I spell mine with a K. Two of them.
- Shawn Spencer: I've been having this recurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Get ready to get lost in my dust!
- Shawn Spencer: Okay, dust? What, are you off-roading?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm going to be un-catchable, like a jackal!
- Shawn Spencer: Like a jackal? How about I just tail you to the observatory.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Consider me stealth, Shawn!
- [moves his head back and forth]
- Shawn Spencer: Dude, that's weird. It's like you're a bobblehead.
- Shawn Spencer: Tomorrow they're training me on the motion simulator. Tell me you've never wanted to take a ride on one of those things buck naked!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What are you doing, Shawn?
- Shawn Spencer: What are WE doing? Dude, we're undercover.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We are not undercover!
- Shawn Spencer: Sure, we are. I'm the employee and you are the customer.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I *am* the customer.
- Shawn Spencer: See, you're already in character, like Don Cheadle.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Shawn is trying to open a door] You're gonna break that.
- Shawn Spencer: [pulls as hard as he can, frustrated] I don't think so!
- Shawn Spencer: [about Jessica] You love her.
- Shawn Spencer: Shut up, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: You're *in* love with her.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shut up, Shawn!
- Shawn Spencer: I'm gonna go fix you guys up.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, Shawn!
- Shawn Spencer: She is my co-worker, and I have the inside track.
- Amanda: I signed up for a painting class today.
- Shawn Spencer: You know, they make the kind of paint you can eat now.
- Vernon Stallings: [upon finding Shawn and Gus breaking into the room] That's not right.
- Shawn Spencer: What?... I'm sorry, I just I... I left my pogo stick in there, and I...
- Vernon Stallings: No, if you want the lock to disengage you've got to go up. Here, let me do it.
- Juliet O'Hara: Okay, what are you doing reopening the Vallery Case?
- Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on, reopening? That word has so many syllables.
- Shawn Spencer: Dude, you know what this means?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's murder.
- Shawn Spencer: No, it's motive.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Same thing. Motive, murder, it's the same thing.
- Shawn Spencer: Motive is the *reason* for doing murder.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's in the same family, Shawn!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Shawn is dressed as an employee of the Planeterium] What are you doing, Shawn?
- Shawn Spencer: What are *we* doing. Dude, we're undercover.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We are not undercover.
- Shawn Spencer: Sure we are. I'm the employee, you're the costumer.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I *am* the costumer.
- Shawn Spencer: See? You're already in character, like Don Cheadle.