Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Young People Have Phlegm Too (2007)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [Charlie is passed out, sitting at the kitchen table]  Oh, God. Look what the cat dragged in.

  Berta : He didn't just drag it. He ate it, pooped it out and then covered it with sand.

• Alan : [Alan, yelling for a doctor to look at Charlie after he finds out that Charlie's will is going to leave him horribly in debt]  Do you gotta flatline to get a little help around here? Do you gotta move to Canada to get some decent medical care?

• Alan Harper : My point is: there comes a time in a man's life where he has to start accepting his limitations.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah? Well, my point is: the day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying. And I'm not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap.

• Alan Harper : [standing in a nightclub line with Charlie, feeling uncomfortable and out of place, Alan starts sniffing the air]  Somebody lit a doobie! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! That is definitely the ganja! Oh, great! Now we're all going to get busted! Oh, perfect! I just stepped on a condom!

• Alan Harper : [Charlie and Alan are arguing about the double date they just came from]  What do you want from me? I-I-I went out to the club. I went to the after-hours club. I went out to breakfast. I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot.

  Charlie Harper : Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now!

  Alan Harper : Oh, darn! What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

• Alan Harper : Oh, let's face it. We're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.

  Charlie Harper : MTV? Did they just defrost you?

• Alan : [Charlie's in the ER with chest pains]  Damn it! What kind of hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'm homeless!

• Alan : [the ER doctor asks Charlie what he has eaten recently. Alan responds for him]  He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of scotch and the tongue of a twenty-four year old actress.

• Charlie Harper : [standing in line to get into a club]  Alan! Alan! You're embarrassing me!

  Alan : *I'm* embarrassing *you*? Look at yourself! You're standing in line, in a dank alley, in the middle of the urine district!

  Charlie Harper : Hey! Hey-hey-hey! This is the hippest club in town!

  Alan : Oh, hip smip! It's a toilet with a doorman!