- Charlie Harper: Let me tell you something, Alan. You're only as young as the women you feel. And lately, I've been feeling about 24.
- Alan Harper: [Charlie is passed out, sitting at the kitchen table] Oh, God. Look what the cat dragged in.
- Berta: He didn't just drag it. He ate it, pooped it out and then covered it with sand.
- Alan: [Alan, yelling for a doctor to look at Charlie after he finds out that Charlie's will is going to leave him horribly in debt] Do you gotta flatline to get a little help around here? Do you gotta move to Canada to get some decent medical care?
- Alan Harper: My point is: there comes a time in a man's life where he has to start accepting his limitations.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah? Well, my point is: the day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying. And I'm not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap.
- Alan Harper: [standing in a nightclub line with Charlie, feeling uncomfortable and out of place, Alan starts sniffing the air] Somebody lit a doobie! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! That is definitely the ganja! Oh, great! Now we're all going to get busted! Oh, perfect! I just stepped on a condom!
- Alan Harper: [Charlie and Alan are arguing about the double date they just came from] What do you want from me? I-I-I went out to the club. I went to the after-hours club. I went out to breakfast. I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot.
- Charlie Harper: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now!
- Alan Harper: Oh, darn! What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
- Alan Harper: Oh, let's face it. We're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
- Charlie Harper: MTV? Did they just defrost you?
- Alan: [Charlie's in the ER with chest pains] Damn it! What kind of hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'm homeless!
- Alan: [the ER doctor asks Charlie what he has eaten recently. Alan responds for him] He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of scotch and the tongue of a twenty-four year old actress.
- Charlie Harper: [standing in line to get into a club] Alan! Alan! You're embarrassing me!
- Alan: *I'm* embarrassing *you*? Look at yourself! You're standing in line, in a dank alley, in the middle of the urine district!
- Charlie Harper: Hey! Hey-hey-hey! This is the hippest club in town!
- Alan: Oh, hip smip! It's a toilet with a doorman!
- Donna: I have a little riddle for you: what has multiple orgasms and hums?
- Charlie Harper: I give up.
- Donna: Hmmmmmmmmm...