- Klaus: [as the family is playing Simon] Like countless children and stoners before you, you have been enslaved by the four-tone succubus! Damn you, Hasbro!
- McCreary: You're familiar with the first line of Genesis?
- Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: I should say I am, sir. I should say I am.
- McCreary: Does this sound right? "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."
- Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh my God, I took a hit out on myself. And I probably charged it to me. Still, miles.
- Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: That gentleman has the wrong Sydney. Or he's dyslectic and angry at Disney.
- Steve Smith: [to Roger] I'll tell you what I think. I think you hide behind all these disguises so you don't have to face that the real you is an inconsiderate jerk.
- Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: If you will excuse me, I am late for my daughter's arranged wedding. She will learn to love him.
- Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh, my God! I'm gonna die and I still have two years left on my Apple Care.