- Drake Parker: Josh, will you stop packing?
- Josh Nichols: No, I will continue packing.
- Drake Parker: Dude...
- Josh Nichols: We killed Megan's hamster. She's gonna hurt us, and I don't have time for the pain.
- Drake Parker: Well, where you gonna go?
- Josh Nichols: Utah.
- Drake Parker: And why Utah?
- Josh Nichols: 'Cause nothing bad ever happens in Utah.
- Josh Nichols: [at The Premiere] What do you think Megan was doing here?
- Drake Parker: I don't know, but I bet she is up to something.
- Josh Nichols: Man, if she's gonna get us, I-I wish she would just get us already. I-I can't take the stress.
- Girl 1: Hi.
- [both shout]
- Girl 2: Um, we're from out of town, and my friend and I were wondering if you guys want to hook up tonight, maybe get some dinner?
- Drake Parker: Yeah, what, did Megan pay you to take us somewhere?
- Josh Nichols: Yeah, somewhere where our screams can't be heard?
- Girl 2: We just thought we'd all get some tacos.
- Drake Parker: Oh, yeah. Revenge tacos.
- Josh Nichols: Yeah, nice try, skunkbags.
- Josh Nichols: Why do you want me to take a nap, Drake?
- Drake Parker: 'Cause I'm worried about you.
- Josh Nichols: You're in on this with Megan, aren't you?
- Drake Parker: Josh!
- Josh Nichols: You're in cahoots!
- Drake Parker: You're insane.
- Josh Nichols: Cahooter!
- Josh Nichols: In life, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, sometimes you just mess up.
- Drake Parker: Hey, let's face it, half the fun of bein' a teenager is screwin' stuff up.
- Josh Nichols: Like this one time after I used Dad's car, I forgot to set the parking break.
- Drake Parker: Like one time I borrowed Dad's car after Josh used it.
- Josh Nichols: It was weird 'cause I was, like, so sure I set that parking break.
- Drake Parker: Luckily, Josh didn't know I used the car after he did.
- Josh Nichols: Anyway, it ends up rolling down our street and crashes into our neighbor's mailbox. Mr. Fudge.
- Drake Parker: So the car rolls down the street and just takes out this old lady's mailbox.
- Josh Nichols: It was horrible.
- Drake Parker: It was kinda cool.
- Josh Nichols: But I went straight to Mom and Dad and told them it was my fault.
- Drake Parker: Hey, I woulda confessed but I had a date with Samantha Bush that weekend and I was NOT gonna risk getting grounded.
- Josh Nichols: I didn't have enough money to fix Mrs. Fudge's mailbox, so she made me do chores to pay for it.
- Drake Parker: Samantha Bush is such a good kisser.
- Josh Nichols: I had to mow her lawn and - haw! - the-the... she even made me wash her hair.
- Drake Parker: She had such long, soft, blonde hair.
- Josh Nichols: Her scalp had sores on it.
- Drake Parker: Yeah... I liked that Samantha Bush.
- Josh Nichols: I HATE that Mrs. Fudge.
- Josh Nichols: What? Well, you don't like my tuna salad?
- Drake Parker: No. Who puts raisins in tuna salad?
- Josh Nichols: Uh, the French.
- Drake Parker: Well, it's not right.
- Drake Parker: Think about it. Megan does horrible, horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now she HAS a reason.
- Josh Nichols: Wait. We-we can't go to sleep together. Uh, M-m-m-megan could sneak in here and-and superglue our butts together.
- Drake Parker: Wait. Do you mean like your butt to my butt or our individual butts...?
- Josh Nichols: Does it matter!