American Dad! (TV Series)

Joint Custody (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien

Quotes 

• Stanley Smith : Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world.

  [hugs bag of Cheetos.] 

• Roger : [after escaping from a burning barn]  You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?

  Stanley Smith : I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.

  Roger : I never saw Backdraft.

  Stanley Smith : Me either.

• Stanley Smith : We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.

• Stanley Smith : Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

• Roger : [inside the Mini Mart with Stan, both stoned]  Stan. Do you feel lighter? I'm definitely getting lighter. I think I'm becoming immune to gravity.

  Stanley Smith : Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait! It's a cheetah! CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world!

  [hugs the bag of Cheetos he is holding. Roger cries off-screen] 

  Roger : Why do my wrists hurt?

  [Stan sees Roger lying on the floor] 

  Stanley Smith : Cause you're lying on them.

  Roger : How can you hear what I'm thinking?

  [Stan poses a lot of snack bags on the check-out counter and speaks to the cashier] 

  Stanley Smith : Do you live here? Cause I could live here, this place is great!

  [looking at the bags] 

  Stanley Smith : Hey, look! Someone picked out all my favorite stuff!

  the Cashier : That'll be...

  [Roger arrives to the check-out counter holding a Colonial cat food bag] 

  Roger : And this!

  Stanley Smith : Cat food?

  Roger : If I hold this, I won't float away.

  the Cashier : That'll be $147.

  Roger : What? Where would... Where are we gonna get that type of cash?

  Stanley Smith : We can turn in Jeff!

  Roger : I thought Jeff was innocent.

  Stanley Smith : Uh! We gotta save Jeff!

• Jeff Fischer : [Stan, Jeff and Henry are sitting around the kitchen table, having dinner]  So Dad, Stan's a friend of mine from Langley Falls. I've got a pretty good life up there: I'm in charge of tire inflation at the bike shop.

  Henry Fischer : [sarcastically]  Uh! Tire inflation? Oh, that is so great! Course, I'm not surprised: that's just the latest in a long list of achievements. I'm so proud of my son. In fact, this is the wall where I keep all his awards.

  [shows Stan an empty wall; then, still sarcastically, standing up] 

  Henry Fischer : What? There's nothing there! Oh my God! They've been stolen! I better call the sheriff!

  [pretending to dial a number] 

  Henry Fischer : We're gonna get to the bottom of this! It's ringing... Hello, Sheriff Perkins? Henry Fischer. Yes, yes, father of the illustrious Jeff Fischer. Someone has stolen all his awards. All of them! Must have been several strong men with a huge truck. What? What do you mean, Jeff's never won an award in his entire life? But if that were true, that would mean my son is a worthless piece of crap who never accomplished anything! Well, sir, I'm not gonna sit here while you say those awful things about my pride and joy!

  [hangs up the phone, then kneels down before a smiling Jeff] 

  Henry Fischer : I promise you, son: I will not rest until I get every single ribbon, trophy and letter of commendation back on that wall!

  [salutes Jeff and leaves. Then enters again] 

  Henry Fischer : I'm gonna go down to the bar, round up a posse. We'll get Charlie's dogs, close off the perimeter! You just sit there and keep on making me proud.

  [pretends to wipe off a tear, then leaves again] 

  Jeff Fischer : [to Stan]  Isn't he great?

  Stanley Smith : Great? Jeff, your dad is a humongous jerk!

  Jeff Fischer : No, he's just kidding around. He loves me. That's why he can never know what happened in Florida.

  Stanley Smith : Look, Jeff, no one wants to admit their dad is a bad guy, but...

  Jeff Fischer : Bad guy? Look who's talking! You're the one who tricked me and pretended to be my friend! My dad would never do anything that mean.

  [Henry comes back, still sarcastically speaking to Jeff] 

  Henry Fischer : I need something for Charlie's dogs so they can pick up the scent. Do you have your high school diploma? No? They got that too? Oh, those monsters are gonna pay.

  [leaves]