- Reporter: [narrating] Dateline: Chisleton. Place: Chisleton. And one of our happiest days of the year: Supergranny Smith was well on her way to winning the Chisleton ladies single championships.
- The Scunner Campbell: Today I love everybody, even you, Fag Ash Lil! Is this the face that launced a thousand chips?
- [he laughs, but Lil does not]
- Fag Ash Lil: Are you gonna pay for them coffees or aren't you?
- The Scunner Campbell: Not only will I pay it, but here for you Fag Ash, is a very large tip.
- [hands over a coin]
- Fag Ash Lil: 5p?
- The Scunner Campbell: I know, I know, I just can't help being generous today.
- The Scunner Campbell: So we can't find the real Cyril, we'll just get a replacement.
- Noodles: Where from, boss?
- The Scunner Campbell: Why were do snakes usually hide out, eh?
- Noodles: The jungle, boss?
- The Scunner Campbell: Nearer than that, you pop-eyed prune...
- Noodles: Eh...
- The Scunner Campbell: Why, Chisleton Zoo!
- [they both laugh]
- Zoo Keeper: [indicating a blue brush in the animal pen] Over there we have Dick, the flightless hedgehog.
- Zoo Keeper: Here, hey, where are you going with my tropical forests?
- The Scunner Campbell: Drop 'em!
- [they drop the flower pots and run for it]
- Zoo Keeper: Not in front of the children!
- [to camera]
- Zoo Keeper: Dirty devil.
- The Scunner Campbell: One snake, answering to the name of Cyril. Duly returned to his owner.
- Petunia Preston: You stupid...
- The Scunner Campbell: [continues] So hand over the big reward right away, there's a good Dandylion.
- Petunia Preston: It's not dandylion, it's Petunia. Petunia Preston.
- The Scunner Campbell: I knew it was some rotten flower.
- Zoo Keeper: Stop. Those are the snake knickers.
- Pc Rupert Leekie: There's no snakes nor knickers.
- Zoo Keeper: You fool, you'll never get a promotion like that. Those are the robbers.