- Reporter: [narrating] Dateline: Friday the 13th. An inauspicious day when most of the citizens of Chisleton were meeting with some kind of disaster. In Chisleton park for instance, Willie 'Bothan Gower' Smith had still to score a run.
- Reporter: [narration continued] While over at Inventor Black's, his latest, greatest invention was just about to go splat.
- [and indeed it does]
- Inventor Black: Oh dear.
- Reporter: [more narration] Meanwhile, as Willie's day got progressively worse, so did the Scunner Campbell's.
- The Scunner Campbell: Right, we're entering a beauty contest.
- Noodles: But we don't know nothing about beauty contests, boss.
- The Scunner Campbell: Well what's that got to do with it, you bleach haired barnacle? All we got to do is make sure our candidate wins, right?
- Noodles: [catching their first glimpse of Wanda] Blimey.
- Tub: She's gonna win the Chisleton Beauty contest, uncle?
- The Scunner Campbell: This could call for desperate measures, lads.
- The Scunner Campbell: Just leave it to me, blue eyes.
- Wanda: Oh!
- [giggles and walks off]
- Noodles: Cross eyes, more like, eh?
- Wanda: I'd give up now if I were you, sporran face.
- Isla St. Porridge: [pulls her clother, speaks from the side of her mouth] Are you talking to me, sparrow legs?
- Isla St. Porridge: Oh there's nobody can help us now! Unless...
- Contestant: Oh God, she's not gonna sing us another song, is she?
- Isla St. Porridge: [singing] Hang about, look out, it's Supergran!
- All contestants: [the other girls push her down and start shouting] Supergran!
- Reporter: [narrating] A cry for help usually brings Supergran instantly to the rescue. But unfortunately at that moment, she and her shampoo and set had just gone under the dryer, so she heard, nothing.
- Derek Morbid: And now, after that final parade, I hand you over to Lady Chisleton and our judges for the exciting result. Which would have been done in reverse order, 'cepting I can't count backwards.
- Lady Chisleton: And not only does our lucky little winner get a fabulous weeks holiday in sunny Darlington, but Supergranny Smith has just come up with the most spectacular prize of all. A fabulous night out for all the contestants...
- [audience and contestans ooh]
- Lady Chisleton: with our chairman of the judges...
- The Scunner Campbell: Eh?
- Lady Chisleton: The Scunner Campbell
- [more oos and applause]
- The Scunner Campbell: Eh? Oh?
- Lady Chisleton: At the most expensive restaurant in Chisleton.
- The Scunner Campbell: Uh?
- Lady Chisleton: Entirely at his expence.
- The Scunner Campbell: But I've only got 15p!