- Tub: What are you going to do, uncle? I mean, you haven't got 2.000 pounds, have you?
- Scunner Campbell: No, not quite. More like 65p.
- P.C. Rupert Leekie: Great day for Chisleton, eh, Supergran?
- Supergran: Aye, it is that, Rupert Leekie. I only wish we had more luck finding your wrong footed shoe stealer. I must have turned a hundred people upside down this week. Still, nothing!
- Cyril Small: The rovers wear satin strips and have their hair streaked at Lennin's. Our boys wear hand me down shorts and base their hairstyles on Bobby Charlton. That's how far apart we are.
- Scunner Campbell: Ten-Nill down at half time. There's nothing left for me now.
- [sighs]
- Scunner Campbell: Perhaps a carefully aimed champagne cork will end it all for me...
- Scunner Campbell: One more please, one more... For the sake of my exquisite capped teeth... and Vincent Eleven's knuckles...