Someday, I hope someone calls Hollywood on the carpet for not casting the captivating and undeniably talented Kristy Swanson in better movies with juicier roles. I loved her in BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. I enjoyed her performance in THE CHASE. I even sat through every episode of the fly-by-night reality series SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES just to see her again; turns out, she was actually quite proficient on the ice. On top of all that, I have been a devout worshipper of the curvaceous Anna Nicole Smith ever since I saw her as a 15-year-old boy in NAKED GUN 33 1/3: THE FINAL INSULT. So you'd better believe I was counting down the days to see this episode! I even rented a few of both actresses' movies to get me in the mood. Little did I know that my eyes would soon be assaulted by the sight of the former Buffy in what was literally her BIGGEST role yet! In a role that was supposed to evoke the famous Playboy Playmate, Kristy did NOT in any way resemble the goddess who has reigned supreme over my imagination ever since I was 15. She didn't look like Anna, she didn't look like herself, and she certainly didn't look like Marilyn Monroe - the icon whom all imitators of Anna Nicole necessarily have to channel. As washed-up stripper and model Lorelei Mailer, she did admittedly closely resemble another great movie star once under contract to Twentieth Century Fox.
Too bad that star was Jabba the Hutt from STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI.
If you haven't yet seen this episode, you may think that I'm exaggerating. Well, I am - but not by much, believe me. It came as a colossal shock to see Kristy Swanson - best remembered as the limber, athletic cheerleader/vigilante in the title role of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - so gone to seed physically. It was off-putting in the extreme to see how huge she was as Lorelei, with her flabby forearms and large, mound-shaped face.
I guess I should have been prepared for this. Kristy had recently given birth to a son whom she'd had with figure skater Lloyd Eisler (her SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES partner) when she was approached about the Lorelei role, and she had warned in an interview with TV Guide that she would be, quote, a little heavy in the episode. Well, there's the understatement of the week: as Lorelei, Kristy looked like someone who had recently sworn herself to an all-Haagen Dazs diet. The experience was more than a little surreal.
But once I was able to overlook Kristy's physical appearance (she is, after all, still one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen even with the extra poundage) and take the episode on its own terms, I did start to enjoy myself. I had always thought of Kristy as an average actress at best. Now, in light of this episode, I have only this to say: she is a TREMENDOUS actress. Her embodiment of an Anna-like doomed sex symbol may not have been thoroughly accurate, but it was so intense and pathos-ridden that I became uncomfortable watching it. The LAW & ORDER franchises are rightly recognized for pulling no punches, and their aim is often precisely to make viewers uncomfortable with what they are watching. Well, Kristy understood this and rose to the occasion with her powerful performance. She had said in the TV Guide interview that she had compassion for Anna Nicole despite the late actress's many flaws, and I think it was this compassion that allowed her to convey the woman's inner torment. Lorelei may have made me sad, but I'm grateful to have been able to relate to such a character. For this, Kristy Swanson deserves most - if not all - of the credit.
Lorelei aside, there were many little moments in this episode worth noting. I remember the Daniel Smith-type character (Lorelei's son) biting the dust in a gut-wrenching death scene - all twitches and foaming lips - at the very beginning of the show. I remember a cute scene wherein Detective Logan (Chris Noth) attempts to question Lorelei's two elderly stepdaughters while being lovingly nuzzled by one of the sisters' many cats. I remember David Cross as Lorelei's weaselly little husband (who's not really as despicable as he's made out to be) and Ever Carradine as Lorelei's loony sister (who turns out in the end to be one of the killers). But most of all, I remember Peter Bogdanovich as a flamboyant Hugh Hefner clone who insists on being interviewed in his trademark bathrobe while surrounded by a bevy of scantily-clad Playmates (or "Honeys," as they are known within the fictional world of the series). Whenever humor can be injected into a milieu as grim as this one, it is definitely welcome. And it certainly fit the theme of this episode, because Anna Nicole Smith was one of those outsized figures who - like Elvis Presley or Jim Morrison - was often surrounded by various hangers-on who were almost as colorful and outrageous as their idol. The people who put this episode together definitely nailed that aspect of Anna's existence.
In the end, however, I wish that Kristy had been able to show us more of the joy and innocence within Anna Nicole that had attracted me to her in the first place. Only in two brief scenes (when she is welcoming her newborn daughter at the hospital and when she is playing with her pet Yorkshire terrier) do we ever get to see this side of Lorelei Mailer. The rest of the time, the character comes across as either hopelessly pathetic or wildly despairing. But please, Hollywood - don't let this be the image of the immortal Anna that stays with us. My 15-year-old id deserves better.
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