Photos
Quotes
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[Jeremy and Mark, with their yards of ale, have joined Aurora and Lucy]
Jeremy Usborne : What can I get you two? How about a foot a wine?
Lucy : Can I get a metre of vodka...
[to Mark, with a flirty look]
Lucy : with an inch of tonic?
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Come on, Mark! Turn it on, play the game!
[to Lucy]
Mark Corrigan : Oh, uh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational... you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.
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Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you've killed is not one of them.
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Jeremy Usborne : [driving the boat] Warp Factor three please, Scotty!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh great, I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.
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[Mark and Jeremy are having a stag weekend on a canal boat]
Mark Corrigan : So good to just get away.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh yeah. The Stag Aquatic. So, come on, let's max out the engine a bit, tear it up.
Mark Corrigan : Actually this is almost top speed.
[the boat is only going a few miles per hour]
Jeremy Usborne : What if we hit trouble?
Mark Corrigan : I don't think we're going to hit trouble on the Shropshire Union Canal, Jeremy.
Jeremy Usborne : Right, but this is just it? This is totally it? There's not gonna be any waves or mad shit?
Mark Corrigan : No.
Jeremy Usborne : Can I water-ski off the back?
Mark Corrigan : You're very welcome to try!
Jeremy Usborne : Jesus. Well, let's stop here then and go for a drink.
Mark Corrigan : Jez, it's 10 in the morning!
Jeremy Usborne : Well, what else are we gonna do? Just sit here, freezing our nuts off, talking to each other? I mean, what the hell are we gonna talk about?
Mark Corrigan : I dunno... stuff, banter, chat. Isn't that what you had in mind when you organised this thing?
Jeremy Usborne : Sure. Yeah. S'pose. So how do you feel now the wedding's back on track?
Mark Corrigan : Not that.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh right, not that! Well, what then? I can't think of anything to say, you start.
Mark Corrigan : [looks around then points at something] Hey, is that a kingfisher?
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, for God's sake! If we're gonna talk, let's talk about something proper, like films.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Ugh, films. Another hour of my life gone trying to explain to him what The Matrix is.
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] This weekend is gonna be one massive dry hump. Maybe the pressure will build to the point where we actually try to fuck each other.
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[They're playing chess in the canal boat]
Jeremy Usborne : Oh come on, let's get out of here. It's doing our nuts in. Let's go and get you some sweet punani action.
Mark Corrigan : I don't want sweet punani action, I want to take your bishop and grind you down.
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[Mark wakes up to find Jeremy is already driving the boat, following the two sisters on their boat]
Mark Corrigan : Oh, this is a new one, water-stalking.
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[Mark is trying to talk his way into a job managing a call centre in India for the sisters' father, when suddenly Lucy starts stroking his thigh]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh my God, I've entered an interview situation, and there's a hand near my cock! This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and The Badger.
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Mark Corrigan : The bin's for household waste, not beloved pets, et cetera!
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Urgh, more data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.
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[Mark and Sophie are seeing a relationship counsellor]
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh, great! So I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex. Now that's value for money!
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Jeremy Usborne : Here, Mark, I'll tell you what, you piss in this bottle, I'll drink it.
Mark Corrigan : What? What the hell for?
Jeremy Usborne : For a laugh, it's the stag!
Mark Corrigan : No Jez, if you drank my piss, I'd feel violated.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss? I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.
Mark Corrigan : I'm sorry, but no.
Jeremy Usborne : You wouldn't let me drink your piss?
Mark Corrigan : Why would you even want to drink my piss?
Jeremy Usborne : For a laugh!
Mark Corrigan : What the hell made you think of that?
Jeremy Usborne : I'm just bored, OK! I'd let you drink my piss.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, thank you very much.
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Jeremy Usborne : Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse, there's a chance I still might get laid here.
Mark Corrigan : Oh right, this is sort of like a disgusting version of The Great Egg Race!
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Mark Corrigan : My hobbies include history and going to the movies.
Lucy : I like going to the movies.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Of course you do, everyone does. Man seeks woman, must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.
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Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!
