- Joy: [brandishing a weed whacker at Earl] *You* gotta do something! Like provide for me! I am the queen, you are the worker bee! Your job is to feed me, do me, and die!
- Darnell Turner: I can't deal with my grandmother when she has a hot iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear.
- Stuart: You have to watch out for those Hickey boys. The big one's an idiot and the other one's wife is always after him to steal stuff. We have a dossier down at the station.
- Catalina: [Officer Bowman is investigating a complaint at Club Chubby] It's bad enough we don't have any customers because it's a holiday and everyone is home with their stupid families, but now this drunk guy has taken over the stage and won't let us dance.
- TV's Tim Stack: [singing] Ducks and chicks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in my surrey, when I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top!
- Officer Bobbi Bowman: [Looking at the COPS camera] Ooh, we're lucky; it's 'Oklahoma'. Usually when Mr. Stack takes over the stage he sings 'My Fair Lady'.