Valerie Bertinelli: Barbara Cooper

Quotes 

• Ann Romano : Oh Barbara, I really feel bad about your nose, you know that but you had six days worth of sympathy in which is rapidly turning into irritation.

  Barbara Cooper : That makes two of us.

  Ann Romano : It's not about your nose.

  Barbara Cooper : What else is there?

  Ann Romano : Plenty, I though you like yourself better than that. You got a lot more going yourself better than your looks, and you know it.

  Barbara Cooper : No I don't know it Mom.

  Ann Romano : Barbara you're a pretty girl, and the odds are that you'll always be a pretty girl, but even if you'll weren't there a lot of other things going for you.

  Barbara Cooper : I'm not so sure about that for instance I never even gotten a traffic ticket.

  Ann Romano : Excuse me.

  Barbara Cooper : Well I have been stopped for speeding, only once, okay twice, but the policeman never gave a me a ticket because it wasn't that I sparkling conversation.

  Ann Romano : All right Barbara the point of the matter.

  Barbara Cooper : The guy in the cafeteria always give me free cookies it's not because I'm a great wit.

  Ann Romano : Yes, but I still think.

  Barbara Cooper : Let's face it Mom, I get away with murder, and I like it.

  Ann Romano : Alright Barbara I don't think there's anything wrong with getting special attention as long as you don't depend on it to get bye.

  Ann Romano : But don't you see I have been depending on it, and I just didn't know how much. Do you know who Sally Henshaw is?

  Ann Romano : No I don't think so.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh well she's a girl at school, she's kind of plain looking, but sometimes I really envy her, I mean she has lots of friends, and she has lots of dates.

  Ann Romano : So do you.

  Barbara Cooper : That's different, Sally's nose has more to her than her looks, I'm not so sure, and when a guy asks me out I would like to know if it's me he really likes scary I may have to rely on something I'm not so sure that I have.

  Ann Romano : Well I guess I don't know you as well as I through I did. I want you to listen to me young lady you are one prized package, and I am more than a little staddle if you that.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh I will I admit it, so well anybody else. Oh my glasses.

  Ann Romano : Thanks!

  Bob Morton : Oh hi Ms. Romano

  Ann Romano : Hi Bob.

• Barbara Cooper : Then the good part I hand out the first football trophy for the most valuable player, and you be the football player.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : How about that.

  Barbara Cooper : Okay, here you go fella should I wrap it up for you before you eat it here. It's a joke.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : You can say that.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh yeah that why they picked me to be trophy girl because I can come up with little jokes like that. haha

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Yeah!

  Barbara Cooper : Well uh uh this is little routine I did for the basketball awards, and you be the basketball player now.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : I'll be the basketball player now. Drriibbblllleeee

  Barbara Cooper : Will you go fella stand up when your getting an award.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Hahahaha I have to stand up.

  Barbara Cooper : Well don't go away.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Why?

  Barbara Cooper : I want to interview your knees.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Hahahaha I need this do you want to know something you are really very sharp at this, and you really come down to the lodge on talent night. Your really as funny as Harry Krause, and his trained turtle.

  Barbara Cooper : Ah Turtle?

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Well Harry holds him by the tail, and the turtle he bobs his head to the boogie woogie bugle boy an company beat.

  Barbara Cooper : I don't know.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Well they once tried to do it to the fight of bumblebee, and the turtle almost killed himself. Well the shell soft, and so did everything.

  Bob Morton : Hi Mr. Schneider.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Hey how are you, you know Bob you need a hobby.

  Bob Morton : Uh what do you call this photographic. Uh one of those little understatement jokes of yours. You really shouldn't slip those by me old buddy I'm just a shade to hip.

  Barbara Cooper : Hi u Bob why all the equipment.

  Bob Morton : Well the polar ice cap melting I had to get this gear above street level before the flood comes, two can play at that game Schneider. No actually I'm the new official feature photographer for the school paper, and they wanted me to do a layout on Barbara since she's this years trophy girl, and they always pick the prettiest girls for that.

  Barbara Cooper : Is that all you guys can ever think of I'm pretty, and I happen to have some brains you know.

  Bob Morton : Brains are hard to photograph.

• Dwayne F. Schneider : He's right I've never seen a nude IQ in Playboy.

  Barbara Cooper : If they wanted the sex part why didn't they give it to Hattie she simply wanted the job bad enough.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Do you know anything about athletics?

  Bob Morton : Are you kidding she thinks the different between a tight end, and split end is a good cream rinse.

  Barbara Cooper : Bob could you let me do this please.

  Bob Morton : Oh sure.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Listen I got to clean up my mess in the bedroom, and where's the dustpan?

  Barbara Cooper : Under the sink.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Right under the sink we go.

  Barbara Cooper : What are you doing?

  Bob Morton : Oh you just go ahead, and do whatever your doing. I'll just make myself totally Un it trust able. The trick of the action photographer is to become totally invisible that just melts into his surroundings.

  Barbara Cooper : Gee I wonder where Bob went?

  Dwayne F. Schneider : It ain't under the sink.

  Barbara Cooper : Look under the bar.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Look under the bar.

  Bob Morton : Um I'm going to need some candid shots, something carefree, and mindless. I got it Barb romp around the room with a beach ball.

  Barbara Cooper : Schneider please let me clean.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Oh no it's my mess.

  Barbara Cooper : no no please.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : believe me.

  Barbara Cooper : I can't anything done with Mr. Candid Camera here.

  Bob Morton : Oh no now I made her mad.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : She's just about the rewards presentation. Listen you know you swept all this sutff ove, and I was thinking if you don't want to waste a trip maybe you might want to take a picture of me and Ms. La Rue. She's very photogenic, appear in several decks of playing cards, and this time on one deck she was on every card. If you shuffle them real fast, never mind never mind, and I'm going to help Barbara because there's a big mess to clean up. Hey Barb.

  Dwayne F. Schneider , Barbara Cooper : Owwwwww ow ow oh my nose. What happen? Oh my nose, oh my nose, oh my nose. Face it, hey Bob look. Oh my nose, oh my nose. Holy Mackerel. Oh my nose, oh my nose. Let me see.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : How could I have done it, I mean me of all people, and I'm always so careful.

• Dwayne F. Schneider : Listen If she needs any blood I know a couple of guys that can give you all the blood you want.

  Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Look Ann uh make sure that she keeps those bandages on, and it's important that we avoid any impossibility of infected.

  Ann Romano : Alright! Alright!

  Dr. Samuel Fairmont : To minimize is to get that prescription filled, and if there's anything else you wanna know or any questions don't hesitate to call me.

  Ann Romano : Okay thank you so much doctor, and can we go home now.

  Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Yes sure of course, Barbara it's alright to go home.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Easy does it.

  Ann Romano : Oh.

  Dr. Samuel Fairmont : That's alright darling your going to be just fine, and you just hang in there.

  Ann Romano : Thanks a lot doctor.

  Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Goodbye!

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Thanks a lot Doc, well see you in a week, it was an accident, I didn't mean it you know, it was an accident, don't you understand, your sitting there, and your looking at me like I'm Woody Hayes. It was an accident say something, and why not.

  Woman : My daughters a lawyer.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Hi, don't worry Barbara it's Schneider.

  Woman : Come back to finish me off?

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Ah Barbara you don't know the torments I've been going through you know, and all last night I had these horrible nightmares you know. Like I close the elevator door on your neck.

  Ann Romano : Ah Schneider!

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Then I take out all the trash, but I throw you in the truck.

  Ann Romano : Eugh! I didn't know.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Oh I'm waxing the floor right, and I look down and I'm sponging your nose back and forth.

  Ann Romano , Barbara Cooper : Eugh!

  Barbara Cooper : Oh Schneider I forgive you.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : You mean it.

  Barbara Cooper : Yes I mean it.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Okay I'll never wax your nose again, and I got a little something here for you. I cut it out of my window sill garden this morning. A little posie for the nosie.

• Ann Romano , Dwayne F. Schneider : No, no, no, not that kind of flower. What Woah! She's a allergic to that kind of flower. No No No! Ah ah ah tickled with the roof of your mouth. Push!

  Barbara Cooper : Au Au Au! Ha! Oh! Hah! Hah! Hah! Ga! Oh just leave me alone.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Wow that was close call.

  Ann Romano : Yeah!

  Dwayne F. Schneider : I don't know what was I thinking of in her condition it's like bringing roses to new castle. Well alright I got to get going Ah I'll see you later.

  Ann Romano : Nah!

  Bob Morton : Hi Mr. Schneider.

  Dwayne F. Schneider : Are you crazy for bringing flower to that girl. She's got a busted nose with an allergy right in the middle of it her head could have explode. Kids today give me that. Au Chew !

  Bob Morton : Gee Ms. Romano I almost killed Barbara.

  Ann Romano : No, no you didn't.

  Bob Morton : Ah How is our little patient doing anyways?

  Ann Romano : As well as can be expected.

  Bob Morton : Can I see her?

  Ann Romano : No Bob, she's not receiving any visitors today.

  Bob Morton : I'm not just a visitor, I'm her best friend, and I mean that we sat right next to each other in health.

  Ann Romano : Yes Bob, I know how close the two are you are, I just don't it's to wise that she anyone today.

  Bob Morton : I know what you thinking that i'll tack less, and say the wrong thing. But I'm Barbara's friend, and I'll love her even if her winds looking a ten car pile ups.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh hi Bob.

  Bob Morton : Oh hi Barb. Hey Barb it well be okay they work miracles in plastic surgery.

  Ann Romano : Thank you Bob!

  Bob Morton : They can take The Incredible Hunk, and turn him into Suzanne Somers.

  Ann Romano : That's a different kind of surgery Bob.

  Barbara Cooper : Do you have to stare at my nose.

  Bob Morton : I was never a really a nose man anyways, and I mean that men very rarely notice a woman's nose.

  Ann Romano : Even through I look like a cucumber.

• Bob Morton : Hey, what about the awards banquet, it's gonna to be kind of hard to read your notes over that thing.

  Barbara Cooper : I'm not going.

  Bob Morton : But you got to your trophy girl.

  Barbara Cooper : They can give it from me to Hattie.

  Bob Morton : Yeah, her nose could be on backwards, and nobody will notice.

  Ann Romano : Bob, okay gee whiz it getting real late, and I bet that you have to run home for dinner don't you.

  Bob Morton : Oh no Ms. Romano I can stay.

  Ann Romano : No you can't stay, Bob no can't.

  Bob Morton : Yeah Right, I can't.

  Ann Romano : Yeah Right!

  Bob Morton : Listen don't worry Barb, you nose will look great.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh Bob, please don't say anything at school okay, tell them I'm sick or something.

  Bob Morton : Okay would you like a picture to show your kids someday.

  Barbara Cooper : Mom!

  Ann Romano : Ah bye Bob, bye Bob, no no don't take any pictures you know.

  Bob Morton : Oh Cliff I know we had a date but I can't go to the awards banquet tomorrow , and look I have a very bad cold. No, no Cliff, I don't care what Bob told I did not become a nun. No, no Cliff, I don't want you coming over here it's contagious, look I got a sore throat, swollen glands, I got a rash.

  Ann Romano : An I got a back ache.

  Barbara Cooper : I got a back ache, and Cliff can I call you back later please thank you.

  Ann Romano : Darling, he gotta know what happen when you go back to school which hopefully be very very soon.

  Barbara Cooper : I am not going back to school with this splint between these two black eyes.

  Ann Romano : Oh Barbara, I really feel bad about your nose, you know that but you had six days worth of sympathy in which is rapidly turning into irritation.

  Barbara Cooper : That makes two of us.

  Ann Romano : It's not about your nose.

  Barbara Cooper : What else is there?

  Ann Romano : Plenty, I though you like yourself better than that. You got a lot more going yourself better than your looks, and you know it.

• Barbara Cooper : Okay!

  Bob Morton : See just me, an Chuck, an Dave, and Tiny.

  Chuck , Dave , Tiny : Hi Barbara!

  Barbara Cooper : Hi guys, I'm gonna to kill you Bob.

  Bob Morton : Barb, were hear because we love you, because these guys are from the football, the basketball, and baseball teams have a favor to ask you.

  Dave : Right, we want you to be our trophy girl.

  Barbara Cooper : No I cant.

  Bob Morton : But your the one the guys pick because they still want you.

  Barbara Cooper : With this dumb thing on my nose.

  Chuck : What thing, oh yeah, I see it now.

  Tiny : We gotta to learn to block with your shoulders, ha ha ha!

  Dave : Barb are you been putting us on, she looks like in good shape to me.

  Chuck : Yeah, her arms work.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh Chuck!

  Tiny : Her Mouth works.

  Chuck : Told you didn't have to bring us up here, she'll be at the banquet.

  Dave : Come on let's go.

  Barbara Cooper : No, no, I didn't say that I was going.

  Bob Morton : But they want you.

  Barbara Cooper : Oh you all are just being nice.

  Dave : Whose being nice, you sure have a short memory kid, remember when I broke my ankle sliding into second base, who always visited me at hospital.

  Chuck : Yeah, if haven't been for your tutoring I would have never passed advanced algebra.

  Tiny : Personally you have never done a thing for me.

  Ann Romano : Ha ha ha ha!

  Tiny : I just like it.

• Ann Romano : Ha ha ha ha!

  Bob Morton : We all like you.

  Tiny : Besides we need a few laughs at the banquet, you look pretty funny, ha ha ha ha.

  Barbara Cooper : Ah, okay if I'm in such demand.

  Bob Morton , Tiny , Chuck , Dave : Alright!

  Tiny : Girl!

  Dave : Will see you tomorrow.

  Chuck : Ah nice talking to you Ms. Romano

  Ann Romano : Yeah!

  Tiny : Bye!

  Bob Morton : See you guys.

  Tiny , Chuck , Dave : See you later.

  Tiny : Take it easy Bob.

  Ann Romano : Bye!

  Barbara Cooper : So Bob, thank you.

  Bob Morton : Hey, your my favorite person.

  Barbara Cooper : Were they just being nice or they don't care if I look funny.

  Ann Romano : What do you think?

  Barbara Cooper : I guess it doesn't matter, either way to them I'm okay.

  Ann Romano : Guess so.

  Barbara Cooper : Ha ha ha ha! Maybe I'll paint it red for the banquet.

  Ann Romano : if you put blue there, and then gold.