One Day at a Time (TV Series)
The Broken Nose (1979)
Pat Harrington Jr.: Dwayne F. Schneider
Quotes
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Barbara Cooper : Then the good part I hand out the first football trophy for the most valuable player, and you be the football player.
Dwayne F. Schneider : How about that.
Barbara Cooper : Okay, here you go fella should I wrap it up for you before you eat it here. It's a joke.
Dwayne F. Schneider : You can say that.
Barbara Cooper : Oh yeah that why they picked me to be trophy girl because I can come up with little jokes like that. haha
Dwayne F. Schneider : Yeah!
Barbara Cooper : Well uh uh this is little routine I did for the basketball awards, and you be the basketball player now.
Dwayne F. Schneider : I'll be the basketball player now. Drriibbblllleeee
Barbara Cooper : Will you go fella stand up when your getting an award.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Hahahaha I have to stand up.
Barbara Cooper : Well don't go away.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Why?
Barbara Cooper : I want to interview your knees.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Hahahaha I need this do you want to know something you are really very sharp at this, and you really come down to the lodge on talent night. Your really as funny as Harry Krause, and his trained turtle.
Barbara Cooper : Ah Turtle?
Dwayne F. Schneider : Well Harry holds him by the tail, and the turtle he bobs his head to the boogie woogie bugle boy an company beat.
Barbara Cooper : I don't know.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Well they once tried to do it to the fight of bumblebee, and the turtle almost killed himself. Well the shell soft, and so did everything.
Bob Morton : Hi Mr. Schneider.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Hey how are you, you know Bob you need a hobby.
Bob Morton : Uh what do you call this photographic. Uh one of those little understatement jokes of yours. You really shouldn't slip those by me old buddy I'm just a shade to hip.
Barbara Cooper : Hi u Bob why all the equipment.
Bob Morton : Well the polar ice cap melting I had to get this gear above street level before the flood comes, two can play at that game Schneider. No actually I'm the new official feature photographer for the school paper, and they wanted me to do a layout on Barbara since she's this years trophy girl, and they always pick the prettiest girls for that.
Barbara Cooper : Is that all you guys can ever think of I'm pretty, and I happen to have some brains you know.
Bob Morton : Brains are hard to photograph.
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Dwayne F. Schneider : He's right I've never seen a nude IQ in Playboy.
Barbara Cooper : If they wanted the sex part why didn't they give it to Hattie she simply wanted the job bad enough.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Do you know anything about athletics?
Bob Morton : Are you kidding she thinks the different between a tight end, and split end is a good cream rinse.
Barbara Cooper : Bob could you let me do this please.
Bob Morton : Oh sure.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Listen I got to clean up my mess in the bedroom, and where's the dustpan?
Barbara Cooper : Under the sink.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Right under the sink we go.
Barbara Cooper : What are you doing?
Bob Morton : Oh you just go ahead, and do whatever your doing. I'll just make myself totally Un it trust able. The trick of the action photographer is to become totally invisible that just melts into his surroundings.
Barbara Cooper : Gee I wonder where Bob went?
Dwayne F. Schneider : It ain't under the sink.
Barbara Cooper : Look under the bar.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Look under the bar.
Bob Morton : Um I'm going to need some candid shots, something carefree, and mindless. I got it Barb romp around the room with a beach ball.
Barbara Cooper : Schneider please let me clean.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Oh no it's my mess.
Barbara Cooper : no no please.
Dwayne F. Schneider : believe me.
Barbara Cooper : I can't anything done with Mr. Candid Camera here.
Bob Morton : Oh no now I made her mad.
Dwayne F. Schneider : She's just about the rewards presentation. Listen you know you swept all this sutff ove, and I was thinking if you don't want to waste a trip maybe you might want to take a picture of me and Ms. La Rue. She's very photogenic, appear in several decks of playing cards, and this time on one deck she was on every card. If you shuffle them real fast, never mind never mind, and I'm going to help Barbara because there's a big mess to clean up. Hey Barb.
Dwayne F. Schneider , Barbara Cooper : Owwwwww ow ow oh my nose. What happen? Oh my nose, oh my nose, oh my nose. Face it, hey Bob look. Oh my nose, oh my nose. Holy Mackerel. Oh my nose, oh my nose. Let me see.
Dwayne F. Schneider : How could I have done it, I mean me of all people, and I'm always so careful.
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Bob Morton : Stuff happens Mr Schneider you didn't mean it, it was the kinda thing I might do, and you know dumb.
Dwayne F. Schneider : I mean I'm an expert on industrial safety, care in the home you know, and this year at my union they gave me their annual award in safety and accident prevention.
Bob Morton : The Sap award.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Yeah!
Bob Morton : Oh look don't be so tough on yourself.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Bob it was my fault, I may have broke that kids nose, the helpless teenage female nose, soon brat was in the animal.
Bob Morton : Don't worry you didn't mean to hit her, boy she sure been in there a long time.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Well Ms. Romano should be here any minute, I called on the phone, and left a message at the office. Oh it alright I didn't say anything to frighten her, and told her that you and I had brought Barbara over to Dr. Fairmont, and don't about the blood stains in the rug they come right out with cold water. What did I do to deserve this.
Ann Romano : Oh ah what happen?
Bob Morton : The doctor treating her right now.
Ann Romano : What happen?
Dwayne F. Schneider : Ms. Romano please just promise me that your not gonna to hate me forever.
Ann Romano : I don't hate you what happen?
Dwayne F. Schneider : I wouldn't do anything to hurt Barbara.
Ann Romano : I know that.
Dwayne F. Schneider : I love Barbara.
Ann Romano : We all love Barbara so what happen?
Dwayne F. Schneider : Okay okay, well do you Barbara's nose
Ann Romano : Yes.
Dwayne F. Schneider , Ann Romano : I bruise it, You bruise! I bent, bent, Bent!
Dwayne F. Schneider : I may have broken her nose.
Ann Romano : Oh!
Dwayne F. Schneider : I open the door, and I didn't know that she was standing right there.
Ann Romano : What? You idiot.
Bob Morton : Ms. Romano don't panic we don't know for sure that it's broken.
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Dwayne F. Schneider : Yeah right it still might be all in one piece or two at the most. Oh!
Ann Romano : Oh my god!
Bob Morton : Hi Barb what's new.
Ann Romano : She?
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : It's all right Ann, it's all right I got her pretty heavily sedated so she's comfortable.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Oh look what I did to her.
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Barbara let's just have a seat here.
Bob Morton : Sit down right Barbara sit right here.
Dwayne F. Schneider : There! There! Doctor is Barbara's nose is it bra bra bra broken?
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : No we took some x ray's the bone is not broken.
Ann Romano : Thank god!
Dwayne F. Schneider : Thanks god!
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : However the cartilage was off center.
Dwayne F. Schneider , Bob Morton : Eugh!
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : So I just molded the nose back in shape.
Dwayne F. Schneider , Bob Morton : Eugh!
Ann Romano : Mold, molded you just? hahahaha
Dwayne F. Schneider : Now listen doctor is Barbara going to look different?
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : No I think she's going to be just fine.
Ann Romano : What do you mean?
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : The chances are the nose will look just about the same, we can never be hundred percent sure about these things, and you bring her back next week will take a look at it.
Ann Romano : Alright!
Dwayne F. Schneider : I'll be back, and I don't want to look at that.
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : I want you to be very careful that she doesn't roll over on her face in her sleep, and we don't want to restart any of the bleeding that can leak into the sinuses.
Ann Romano : Ah!
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Dwayne F. Schneider : Listen If she needs any blood I know a couple of guys that can give you all the blood you want.
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Look Ann uh make sure that she keeps those bandages on, and it's important that we avoid any impossibility of infected.
Ann Romano : Alright! Alright!
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : To minimize is to get that prescription filled, and if there's anything else you wanna know or any questions don't hesitate to call me.
Ann Romano : Okay thank you so much doctor, and can we go home now.
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Yes sure of course, Barbara it's alright to go home.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Easy does it.
Ann Romano : Oh.
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : That's alright darling your going to be just fine, and you just hang in there.
Ann Romano : Thanks a lot doctor.
Dr. Samuel Fairmont : Goodbye!
Dwayne F. Schneider : Thanks a lot Doc, well see you in a week, it was an accident, I didn't mean it you know, it was an accident, don't you understand, your sitting there, and your looking at me like I'm Woody Hayes. It was an accident say something, and why not.
Woman : My daughters a lawyer.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Hi, don't worry Barbara it's Schneider.
Woman : Come back to finish me off?
Dwayne F. Schneider : Ah Barbara you don't know the torments I've been going through you know, and all last night I had these horrible nightmares you know. Like I close the elevator door on your neck.
Ann Romano : Ah Schneider!
Dwayne F. Schneider : Then I take out all the trash, but I throw you in the truck.
Ann Romano : Eugh! I didn't know.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Oh I'm waxing the floor right, and I look down and I'm sponging your nose back and forth.
Ann Romano , Barbara Cooper : Eugh!
Barbara Cooper : Oh Schneider I forgive you.
Dwayne F. Schneider : You mean it.
Barbara Cooper : Yes I mean it.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Okay I'll never wax your nose again, and I got a little something here for you. I cut it out of my window sill garden this morning. A little posie for the nosie.
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Ann Romano , Dwayne F. Schneider : No, no, no, not that kind of flower. What Woah! She's a allergic to that kind of flower. No No No! Ah ah ah tickled with the roof of your mouth. Push!
Barbara Cooper : Au Au Au! Ha! Oh! Hah! Hah! Hah! Ga! Oh just leave me alone.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Wow that was close call.
Ann Romano : Yeah!
Dwayne F. Schneider : I don't know what was I thinking of in her condition it's like bringing roses to new castle. Well alright I got to get going Ah I'll see you later.
Ann Romano : Nah!
Bob Morton : Hi Mr. Schneider.
Dwayne F. Schneider : Are you crazy for bringing flower to that girl. She's got a busted nose with an allergy right in the middle of it her head could have explode. Kids today give me that. Au Chew !
Bob Morton : Gee Ms. Romano I almost killed Barbara.
Ann Romano : No, no you didn't.
Bob Morton : Ah How is our little patient doing anyways?
Ann Romano : As well as can be expected.
Bob Morton : Can I see her?
Ann Romano : No Bob, she's not receiving any visitors today.
Bob Morton : I'm not just a visitor, I'm her best friend, and I mean that we sat right next to each other in health.
Ann Romano : Yes Bob, I know how close the two are you are, I just don't it's to wise that she anyone today.
Bob Morton : I know what you thinking that i'll tack less, and say the wrong thing. But I'm Barbara's friend, and I'll love her even if her winds looking a ten car pile ups.
Barbara Cooper : Oh hi Bob.
Bob Morton : Oh hi Barb. Hey Barb it well be okay they work miracles in plastic surgery.
Ann Romano : Thank you Bob!
Bob Morton : They can take The Incredible Hunk, and turn him into Suzanne Somers.
Ann Romano : That's a different kind of surgery Bob.
Barbara Cooper : Do you have to stare at my nose.
Bob Morton : I was never a really a nose man anyways, and I mean that men very rarely notice a woman's nose.
Ann Romano : Even through I look like a cucumber.