The Good Place (TV Series)

The Funeral to End All Funerals (2019)

Kristen Bell: Eleanor Shellstrop

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Quotes 

• Eleanor Shellstrop : In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.

• Eleanor Shellstrop : Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question. Chidi spent his entire existence pondering the biggest questions. He is brilliant and empathetic. All he cares about is how best to treat other people, and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. If we're gonna pull this off, we need Chidi back, and he needs his memories.

  Michael : You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? You think that will go well?

  Eleanor Shellstrop : I don't know how it's gonna go. But he is our only chance, and it is now or literally never. Wake... him... up.

• Judge : SPOILER: Michael, you came to me and said the points system was flawed, a system that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. And I have come to the conclusion... that you're right.

  Michael : [stunned]  I'm...

  Judge : You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.

  Michael : [laughs in disbelief]  Well... that wasn't so hard now, was it?

  [everyone in the courtroom cheers and celebrates] 

  Judge : The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.

  [celebrations stop abruptly] 

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Buhh... Earth is what, now?

  Judge : All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I *am* actually rebooting "Ally McBeal", because I'm rebooting everything. Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!

• Eleanor Shellstrop : You never really talk about your mom.

  Jason Mendoza : Yeah, she died when I was pretty young. I lost her to the Big C. That's what we called the crocodile that lived by my house.

  [pause] 

  Jason Mendoza : I'm just playing. It was cancer. Watch me do a handstand!

• Eleanor Shellstrop : [eulogizing Tahani]  Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like bras shouldn't be painful, and you don't buy bras at Home Depot, and they don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing? For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch. She was the best friend I ever had, and I loved her.

• Eleanor Shellstrop : There is literally only one person here who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity.

  Jason Mendoza : [steps forward soberly]  Fine. I'll do it.

• Eleanor Shellstrop : I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did?

  Michael : Yes, and here's a bottle of tequila.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Okay.

• Eleanor Shellstrop : Where's Chidi?

  Janet : Oh, he's on the toilet. Sorry, that's not enough information.