- Ted Mosby: Barney, what are you doing? You can't take this apartment from Marshall and Lily.
- Barney Stinson: You think I have no morals whatsoever? I'm only pretending to live here so I can take this woman here, nail her and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster.
- Meg: Who are these people?
- Barney Stinson: They're my parents.
- Meg: Your parents are Asian?
- Barney Stinson: They're a Chinese couple who wanted a little white boy. It works both ways.
- Barney Stinson: I met a girl last night.
- Ted Mosby: Really?
- Barney Stinson: She's so perky, and full of life, and not at all fake.
- Ted Mosby: You are talking about her boobs, right?
- Barney Stinson: Si... and that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. Wuddupppppp!
- Marshall Eriksen: I'm going to stop you right there. Don't bother with the hard sell. We can't afford this place just now, and besides, we just started looking.
- Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said.
- Marshall Eriksen: I'm going to stop you right there. I love it! We'll take it!
- Narrator: Kids, everyone makes mistakes. Take this woman named Meg. She made a big mistake. A big mistake named Barney.
- Robin Scherbatsky: What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place - Lily, you have a debt the size of Mount Waddington!
- Lily: Waddington?
- Robin Scherbatsky: It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's like 4000 meters high.
- Lily: Meters?
- Ted Mosby: Why would you come in? You heard me shaving!
- Lily Aldrin: I thought you were shaving your face!
- Ted Mosby: Well, clearly I wasn't!
- Ted Mosby: Now all we need is a motive. The million dollar question: What were they fighting about?
- Robin Scherbatsky: I know what they've been fighting about...
- Ted Mosby: Bap-bap-bap...! There is only one possible conclusion. Lily and Marshall were fighting about... peanut butter. Lily left the lid off, and Marshall blew his.
- Robin Scherbatsky: I know what they were fighting about, and it wasn't peanut butter.
- Barney Stinson: Robin, just...
- Ted Mosby: I appreciate your help. But there is a reason why your name is Robin, not Batman.
- Marshall Eriksen: Baby, real estate is always a sound investment.
- Narrator: It's not.
- Marshall Eriksen: And the market is really hot right now.
- Narrator: It wasn't.
- Marshall Eriksen: And because of my new job, we're in a good place finacially.
- Narrator: They weren't, because Lily had a secret.
- Lily Aldrin: Hi, I'm Lily, and I'm a shopaholic.
- Robin Scherbatsky: He had a detective's club as a kid.
- Ted Mosby: Hey, the Mosby Boys cracked a lot of cases.
- Robin Scherbatsky: The Mosby Boys? You mean you and your sister?
- Ted Mosby: We solved the case of the missing retainer.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Let me guess... it was in the garbage.
- Ted Mosby: Why do you like this?