- Karen Vick: Alright, Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.
- Shawn Spencer: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why do I have to be Sammy?
- Shawn Spencer: Fine. *He's* Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want, you want to be Joey Bishop?
- Juliet O'Hara: Shawn...
- Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry, Jules, but how often does someone set you up with "let me be frank?"
- Karen Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer...
- Shawn Spencer, Henry Spencer: Yes?
- Karen Vick: Oh, I meant the older... sorry, not "old", less...
- Shawn Spencer: Handsome? Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
- Henry Spencer: Less nose?
- Shawn Spencer: Ooh!
- Shawn Spencer: [during his wrap up] So that's why I called Andres "che," to see if he would react. Which he did. Because in Argentina "che" is slang for "buddy" or "pal." Sort of like I call you "black star" or "homeskillet" or "big baby Burton."
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't ever call me Homeskillet.
- Juliet O'Hara: [completely exasperated] Shawn! Don't forget that you are in a *lot* of trouble here, and I am probably the only person in this room who cares to see you get out of it. Now, it's 2:30 in the morning, we've been here for hours. Enough with the jokes, stop delaying, and tell us what we wanna hear!
- [Lassiter looks impressed]
- Shawn Spencer: [quietly] Oh my God, that was so hot.
- [first lines]
- Henry Spencer: [in an interrogation room] Don't say a word.
- Shawn Spencer: [pause] Fergulous.
- Henry Spencer: [in his answering machine message] You've reached Henry Spencer. Leave your name and number, but speak slowly because people talk too fast in these things and I can never understand it.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I can't believe we're actually digging for buried treasure.
- Shawn Spencer: I know, dude. And you're getting your pants totally dirty and you don't even care. I'm so proud of you.
- Shawn Spencer: You keep a stun gun in the birdhouse? What's under the garden gnome, an M-80?
- [Henry makes several gestures to Shawn]
- Shawn Spencer: You...want me to poke you in the eyes on the roof?
- Shawn Spencer: [Shawn's party is confronted by Andres in a helicopter] I know this probably isn't the right time to say this, but, Dude... I think we're gonna get to ride in a helicopter!
- Shawn Spencer: Well, I don't know where you guys went to Partner College, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to shoot at your partners.
- Mark Belleck: Yeah? Should partners do this?
- [punches Jack in the mouth]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Maybe we shouldn't use the word "partners" anymore. It seems to make him mad.
- Shawn Spencer: [leaving a message on Henry's answering machine] Hey, Dad. What's going on? Uh, I've got good news. Great news! The electric wrench you've been wanting is in stock at Home Depot. Uh, what else? I know there was something else. Oh! I know. If you're not too busy, Gus, Jack, and I are tied up in a cabin about 100 yard off Tunnel Road, right by where we had the pulled pork sandwiches that one time.
- Jack Spencer: I guess you are wondering why I came back. I want you to help me find Bouchard's treasure.
- Henry Spencer: Come on. Not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard's treasure does not, has not, and will not ever exist. It's a pipe dream.
- Shawn Spencer: Don't listen to him, Uncle Jack. He's a dream killer.
- Henry Spencer: We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break any laws... Oh no. Oh no! What - what did you do, Shawn?
- Shawn Spencer: Nothing. It's just that laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all.
- Shawn Spencer: If I were a French pirate with a bad temper and at least one venereal disease, where would I be looking?
- Karen Vick: All right, Mr. Spencer, let me be frank...
- Shawn Spencer: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Why do I have to be Sammy?
- Shawn Spencer: Fine he's Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? You wanna be Joey Bishop?
- Shawn Spencer: With some people I can communicate through psychic wavelengths. My father is one of them. Val Kilmer is another.
- Juliet O'Hara: I spent a semester in Paris. Got salmonella poisoning and lost twenty pounds. Best diet ever!
- Shawn Spencer: Don't I get a phone call or something?
- Carlton Lassiter: No.
- Shawn Spencer: Fine, how about a text message? I'll be quick. I just need to respond, "O-M-G, L-O-L!" Here's a question: how do you make the face that's winking with a tongue coming out one side?
- Andres: Hello, Mr. Spencer. I believe you know why you're here.
- Shawn Spencer: And I believe you know I know why I'm here. Now, why am I here?
- Henry Spencer: What are you doing here, besides breaking into my house?
- Jack Spencer: Breaking in? You gave me a key, Henry.
- Henry Spencer: I didn't give you a key. I don't give anyone keys, not even Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: Oh, that's not true. I actually made a copy a while back. It was while I was hooked on Wow! Wow! Wobbzy! on Noggin. I didn't have cable. Oh, I also stole your toilet paper for about a year. And a hug box of sporks.
- Shawn Spencer: It's one of life's little mysteries, like why the Oxygen network airs 'Goodfellas' or 'Why Fools Fall in Love.'
- Shawn Spencer: [about his milkshake] That is the best shake on the planet. One part ice cream, two parts awesome!
- Shawn Spencer: [after spotting a prowler, Gus rushes into the house with a garden hose] Dude, a hose? Really? What were you going to do, give him a high colonic?