How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Goat (2008)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

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Quotes 

• Barney : [Barney just told Ted he slept with Robin]  So, you're not mad?

  Ted : No, I'm not mad. Well, Robin and I broke up a year ago, we both dated lots of people since then, I'm with Stella now. Seriously, I'm fine with this.

  Barney : I'm so relieved to hear you say that.

  Ted : Yeah, yeah. Oh, I just remembered, my mom is coming into town next month. Maybe you'd like to nail her too.

• Marshall Eriksen : So, I've been looking over these contracts, and I gotta say, I think this might be a little out of my league. For one thing, it seems like if these contracts are not executed precisely, we will be at war with Portugal.

  Barney Stinson : Please, that's a Tuesday for me.

• Barney : Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? If he's broken the Bro Code, then I'm off the hook!

  Marshall Eriksen : I thought about that, and I gotta say Ted has uphold this thing time and time again. For example, article 87. "A bro shall at all times say yes."

  [flashback] 

  Cindy : So he saved you from an avalanche?

  Ted : Yes.

  Cindy : And he carried you almost six miles to safety on his broken leg?

  Ted : Yes.

  Cindy : And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member of the Russian mob?

  [Ted looks at Barney with fury on his face before turning to the woman again] 

  Ted : Da.

  [takes a huge zip of his beer] 

• Barney Stinson : So Robin.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Yes, Barney?

  Barney Stinson : Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News 1 last night?

• Robin : [Barney and Robin wake up in bed together]  Okay, here is the deal, Barney: the second my feet touch the ground, this never happened.

  Barney : Okay.

  [pause] 

  Barney : Wait!

  [Barney lifts up the covers to check out naked Robin one last time] 

  Barney : Right click, Save As, into the .bpeg folder, and OK!

• Barney Stinson : [about sleeping with Robin]  I'm horrified that this happened.

  Ted : [Angry]  How did it happen? Ahh? Barney? I want to know. Tell me exactly how it happened.

  Barney Stinson : You mean, what position?

• Barney Stinson : Marshall, I need a lawyer.

  Marshall Eriksen : How much will you pay me?

  Barney Stinson : A little.

  Marshall Eriksen : All right, I'll take it.

• Barney Stinson : You can't tell anyone. Attorney-client privilege.

  Marshall Eriksen : Why are you doing this to me?

  Barney Stinson : Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer to prove I didn't do anything wrong.

  Marshall Eriksen : How can I help you as your lawyer? You didn't break any laws, did you?

  [Concerned] 

  Marshall Eriksen : Robin knows that you slept with her, doesn't she?

  Barney Stinson : I didn't break any state or federal laws. But I think I broke a much, much higher law. The Bro Code.

• Ted : Hey Barney, I'm get rid of some of my old stuff; do you want my X-Box?

  Barney Stinson : [Thinking he's talking about Robin; gasps in horror]  She has a name, Ted! Just what are you accusing me of?

  Ted : [Confused]  Uh, liking video games.

• Barney Stinson : [after sleeping together]  In my experience the way this normally goes is we lie here for a while; make a little awkward chit-chat.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Check.

  Barney Stinson : Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight I got to be at, slip out of your apartment and never call you again.

  Robin Scherbatsky : And later at the bar you tell your good friend Robin the story of your latest conquest and she wonders to herself "Who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed in to bed with Barney Stinson?"

  Barney Stinson : Actually, you usually say that out loud.

• Barney Stinson : So... I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.

  Robin Scherbatsky : And I just slept with ex-boyfriend's really good friend.

  Barney Stinson : Best friend.

• Barney Stinson : I can't keep buying things! I have six self-cleaning litter boxes and I don't even have a kid.

• Ted : Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop.

  Barney : Surprise! Just a decoy, my friend.

  Ted : So there's no roof party?

  Barney : Oh, no, there is, we're just not going. That's how good a friend I am. They want you to spend your thirtieth drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. But not me, bro. I pulled out all the stuff. Private jet. Valderrama suit at the Bellagio. Stakes at BOA. Whisky at Ghostbar. And two ringside seats to watch Floyd Mayweather go ten rounds with, wait for it, a grizzly bear.

• Barney Stinson : [after Ted punches him in the groin]  Okay. I deserved that. I deserved that. But what's important now is we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?

  Ted Mosby : You think that this is just about Robin? This is about... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?

  Barney Stinson : Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted, seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...

  Ted Mosby : I am not going to Vegas with you. I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend and spend my thirtieth birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would... You know, Barney, earlier this week I started putting things in a box. And that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."

  Barney Stinson : What does that mean?

  Ted Mosby : It means maybe you belong in that box.

  Barney Stinson : Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

  Ted Mosby : I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.