The Beiderbecke Affair (TV Mini Series)
That Was a Very Funny Evening (1985)
James Bolam: Trevor Chaplin
Quotes
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Trevor Chaplin : [Referring to Jill and Helen of Tadcaster] I'm fancied by two women! Question: Is this a record? Answer: You bet it is!
Jill Swinburne : [Reproaching herself] I've been competing for a man!
Trevor Chaplin : Question: Do you want me?
Jill Swinburne : I'm not sure.
Trevor Chaplin : Do you want Helen to have me?
Jill Swinburne : Like hell I do!
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Jill Swinburne : [Being driven in Trevor's van through the town's outskirts] Who is the greatest authority on the environment in this area?
Trevor Chaplin : [Teasing] How many guesses do I get?
Jill Swinburne : Me, you soft pillock!
Trevor Chaplin : [Feigning surprise] Oh!
Jill Swinburne : Ace environmentalist and the Earth's best friend. Undefeated champion!
Trevor Chaplin : [Driving past yet another row of demolished, uncleared houses] If you're so good at the environment, how come it's in such a mess?
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Trevor Chaplin : [Returning to Jill's house, despite their trial separation, after discovering that Big Al has stored 'a few items' in his small flat] I don't mind using the spare room but I'd be deeply grateful if you'd allow me to stay the night.
Jill Swinburne : What the hell is going on?
Trevor Chaplin : There's a refrigerator in my bed!
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Trevor Chaplin : [Jill's meeting took longer than expected and Trevor couldn't find anywhere to park his van] Seventeen times I drove around the Town Hall!
Jill Swinburne : [Protesting] The last two times I was standing there waving at you!
Trevor Chaplin : I was in a daze by then!
Jill Swinburne : [Sarcastic] So what's new?
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Jill Swinburne : [Performing introductions] Sergeant Hobson, this is Helen of Tadcaster, my rival in love. And Mr Chaplin, whom you know.
Det. Sgt. Hobson : Good evening. It's Mr Chaplin I want to see.
Trevor Chaplin : [Humorously] Here I am - take a good look!
Det. Sgt. Hobson : [Serious] It's rather more than that.
Jill Swinburne : [to Trevor] Take your shirt off, love!
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Trevor Chaplin : [about to be led away by Det. Sgt. Hobson, Jill proffers a pamphlet] What's this?
Jill Swinburne : Citizens' Guide. How to behave if you get busted. Civil liberties, all that kind of thing.
Det. Sgt. Hobson : Of course, yes - you're into that kind of thing, aren't you?
Jill Swinburne : Yes, right in it - and so will YOU be if you step one centimetre out of line!
Det. Sgt. Hobson : Mr Chaplin, perhaps you'd just confirm with witnesses that you are coming with me voluntarily.
Trevor Chaplin : [Jill and Helen of Tadcaster are competing for Trevor] Might as well. Nothing on telly and if we talk, it turns into an argument over my body!
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Chief Supt. Forrest : [to Det. Sgt. Hobson, who is holding Trevor for the 'unaccountable' presence of a toothbrush in his flat] Let him go!
Trevor Chaplin : [to Chief Supt. Forrest as Hobson stands to attention and clicks his heels] Am I supposed to do that?
Chief Supt. Forrest : All you have to do is go home. You are Mr Trevor Chaplin?
Trevor Chaplin : Yes... but I'm under arrest.
Chief Supt. Forrest : Your arrest is a figment of Sergeant Hobson's imagination, like many other things. You're a lucky lad: you've got friends with power and influence.
Trevor Chaplin : No I haven't!... Have I...?
Chief Supt. Forrest : Yeah. Whereas Sergeant Hobson...
Trevor Chaplin : [Anticipating] No friends with power and influence?
Chief Supt. Forrest : That's right.
Trevor Chaplin : Hard luck, Sergeant.
Chief Supt. Forrest : [to Trevor while readying himself to mete out another berating upon Det. Sgt. Hobson] Go home, son - unless you enjoy the sight of blood!
Trevor Chaplin : [Exiting, a la Dixon of Dock Green] 'Night all!
Chief Supt. Forrest : [to Hobson, regarding the mysterious toothbrush] So you tried to fit him up?
Det. Sgt. Hobson : Sir, I have grounds for suspec...
Chief Supt. Forrest : [Interrupting] I have told you the policy for fitting people up is only when I say so! Is that understood?
Det. Sgt. Hobson : Understood.
Chief Supt. Forrest : Ten o'clock Monday: see me for a proper bollocking!
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Mr. McAllister : [Trevor has been invited for Sunday lunch] If you want to be entertained in my house, you need to be more careful about the company you keep.
Trevor Chaplin : [Noting the outdoor swimming pool] It's a smashing house, Mr. McAllister, but I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr. McAllister : [to his daughter] Helen, would you leave us?
Trevor Chaplin : [Helen starts to comply but...] Where are you going?
Helen : I think there's some man-to-man talk brewing.
Trevor Chaplin : There's no such thing! I've got no secrets... though I don't know about your father?
Mr. McAllister : Helen's right: it's man-to-man talk.
Trevor Chaplin : Does it affect Helen?
Mr. McAllister : It relates to her, yes.
Trevor Chaplin : Then she should stay and listen.
Mr. McAllister : What's all this? Women's Lib all of a sudden? Did you get it from that woman you're living with?
Trevor Chaplin : If you want a straight answer, yes, I did.
Mr. McAllister : Well if we're having a straight talk, let's get it clear. If you want to be entertained in this house, you move back into your flat, damned quick.
Trevor Chaplin : I see. Any more instructions?
Mr. McAllister : [Retreating slightly] Suggestions, Trevor, that's all. I never tell anyone how to live his life.
Trevor Chaplin : You got any more 'suggestions'?
Mr. McAllister : [Still wanting his daughter to leave] Helen...
Helen : My mother will be needing help in the kitchen.
Trevor Chaplin : I think you should stay, Helen. You might learn something about men... or, at least, about your father. Yes, Mr. McAllister?
Mr. McAllister : Alright. I also suggest that you keep away from that mob on the estate.
Trevor Chaplin : Big Al?
Mr. McAllister : I don't know any of their names - I keep my distance.
Trevor Chaplin : And get other people to put the pressure on?
Mr. McAllister : Pressure? I've no idea what you mean.
Trevor Chaplin : I mean funny phone calls and sabotaging election meetings and smashing up a fellow's greenhouse. That's what I mean!
Mr. McAllister : [Feigning ignorance] Sounds to me like hysterical rambling!
Trevor Chaplin : A few people get together to organise a little mail order business off their own back. Simple, self-help organisation...
Mr. McAllister : [Interrupting] If people need goods and services, they should go to the proper place!
Trevor Chaplin : Like shops?
Mr. McAllister : Yes, like shops!
Trevor Chaplin : Well you're bound to believe in that, aren't you? After all, you've got hundreds of bloody shops!
Mr. McAllister : It's about equilibrium - it's not about shops!
Trevor Chaplin : Equilibrium?
Mr. McAllister : There has to be a balance in the way we organise society. If something disturbs that balance...
Trevor Chaplin : [Interrupting] You lose your swimming pool?
Helen : [Trying to calm down the antagonism] I think lunch is ready.
Mr. McAllister : Trevor, get rid of your fancy-woman, get rid of your dubious friends... and come and have some lunch.
Trevor Chaplin : [Rising to leave] No, Mr McAllister. You get rid of your friends and I might just stay for lunch... one of these days... but not today!
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Helen : [Chasing after Trevor as he storms out of her father's house following an argument] Don't go!
Trevor Chaplin : I'm particular about who I eat with!
Helen : You're being silly - he's an old softie, really.
Trevor Chaplin : He can afford to be! It's time you liberated yourself, sweetheart...
Helen : [Interrupting, sarcastically referring to Trevor's devotion to Jill] Like you have?
Trevor Chaplin : [Ignoring her] ... unless you're going to go on living off your old man's pieces of silver for the rest of your life.
Helen : [Referring to her previous relationship with Trevor] My God but you've changed!
Trevor Chaplin : Well that's the general idea, isn't it? We grow up, stuff like that.
Helen : I liked you better the way you were before.
Trevor Chaplin : You mean when I took orders without question?
Helen : Yes.
Trevor Chaplin : [Getting into his van] He's dead and buried, that loveable Geordie schoolteacher! This is the new, dynamic Trevor Chaplin!
Helen : I don't like him.
Trevor Chaplin : [Referring to how love rivals Helen and Jill decided who would 'win' him] That's up to you but I'll tell you this for nothing: nobody wins me at the toss of a coin. It may have worked in old money but not now.
Helen : My mother will be very disappointed.
Trevor Chaplin : Why?
Helen : [Referring to her mother having taken time to prepare lunch] She wanted to see you again... and she was up half the night with her Stroganoff.
Trevor Chaplin : [Feigning ignorance of foreign dishes] There you go! What's the use of money if you haven't got good health?
Helen : [as Trevor starts the van] I'll see you?
Trevor Chaplin : [Driving away] Goodbye forever!