Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

I'd Like to Start with the Cat (2009)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : You've been to couples counseling, right?

  Alan Harper : Yeah. Why?

  Charlie Harper : I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.

  Alan Harper : Oh, you're going to love it.

  Charlie Harper : I am?

  Alan Harper : Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this

  [flicks his finger several times] 

  Alan Harper : to your heart.

  Charlie Harper : [grimacing]  That doesn't sound very good.

  Alan Harper : [grinning maniacally]  Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and

  [shouting] 

  Alan Harper : every last shred of your self-respect!

  Charlie Harper : You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

  Alan Harper : Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished,

  [shouting] 

  Alan Harper : I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!

• Dr. Linda Freeman : Anything bothering you lately?

  Charlie Harper : Well, there is this one thing, but I don't know if it's medical or psychological.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Tell me.

  Charlie Harper : Lately, I've passed up a couple of opportunities to get some strange.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : "Strange"?

  Charlie Harper : Oh. Women with whom I have not previously been acquainted.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Oh, right. "Strange". Charming.

• Dr. Linda Freeman : [talking about Chelsea]  Why did she dump you?

  Charlie Harper : Who can understand a woman's mind?

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles, ain't we?

  Charlie Harper : So, it's not just me.

• Dr. Linda Freeman : [about Chelsea dumping him]  So, how did you feel about losing her?

  Charlie Harper : What do you mean?

  Dr. Linda Freeman : What do I mean? Come on, Charlie. Dr. Seuss could diagnose this. You're stuffing yourself with crap to suppress your negative feelings.

  Charlie Harper : No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink.

• Charlie Harper : [in a couples counseling sessions]  Chelsea, look. I know I'm not perfect.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : [chuckles] 

  Charlie Harper : Hey! Hey! Hey!

  Dr. Linda Freeman : I'm sorry. That was probably unprofessional.

• Dr. Linda Freeman : So, what else is going on with your life?

  Charlie Harper : Not much. I've been gaining a little weight for some reason. Maybe 'cause I haven't been sleeping well.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : [looks at him, as he keeps stuffing himself with another pudding cup]  Yeah, that's probably it.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing pretty regularly decided to dump me.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Huh.

  Charlie Harper : "Huh", what?

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Oh, nothing. It's just... Sometimes I feel like I'm stealing your money.

• Charlie Harper : [talks about his therapist]  You should meet her.

  Chelsea : Are you suggesting we go to couples counseling?

  Charlie Harper : Sure. I mean, I want to work on our relationship, and what better way than couples counseling?

  Chelsea : You're serious.

  Charlie Harper : Well, of course I'm serious. What? You think I'd blurt out something like that in the spur of the moment in a desperate attempt to keep you from leaving?

  Chelsea : It occurred to me.

• [During couple's therapy, Charlie keeps putting his foot in his mouth] 

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Charlie, can I give you my opinion as your therapist?

  Charlie Harper : Sure.

  Dr. Linda Freeman : Shut up!