Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

A Jock Strap in Hell (2008)

Angus T. Jones: Jake Harper

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : [Charlie sees Jake's former 5th grade teacher, one of his brief "relationships", in the sporting goods store. She leaves abruptly]  She was kinda shook up after I broke it off with her.

  Jake Harper : Kinda shook up? She went bananas and bit the gym teacher!

  Charlie Harper : Where?

  Jake Harper : In the gym!

• Jake Harper : [Charlie hires Jake's former 5th grade teacher away from her new lap-dance job to be Jake's tutor. She is wearing a revealing, low-cut outfit with leather boots. Jake doesn't seem to notice]  I'm sorry, but I'm still confused.

  Dolores Pasternak : Oh, boy. Okay. Ummm, let's look at it this way. How 'bout if you make 40 dollars a dance. If you want to find out how much you can earn per hour, you have to solve for x times 40, x being the number of dances you can do in an hour.

  Jake Harper : What about tips?

  Dolores Pasternak : That's a variable.

  Jake Harper : Oh, I get it! So the money you kick back to the house is...

  Both, together : The constant!

  Dolores Pasternak : Good for you! That's a good start!

  Jake Harper : Yeah, it was. You make learning fun.

  [she laughs gently, he gets up to leave] 

  Dolores Pasternak : Where are you going?

  Jake Harper : Take a shower.

• Charlie Harper : [Charlie, Alan and Jake visit the sporting goods store to get Jake a jock strap, which he doesn't want]  Think of it as a bra for your balls.

  Jake Harper : [sarcastically]  Oh, *now* I want one!

  Alan Harper : What size are you?

  Jake Harper : How should I know?

  Charlie Harper : I think they have one of those measuring things. You know, like at the shoe store. Length, width...

  Jake Harper : [to his Dad, somewhat desperately]  He's kidding, right?

  Alan Harper : Yes, he's joking.

  [hands Jake the jock strap] 

  Alan Harper : Here. "Teen".

  Charlie Harper : Think you can fit your junk into that?

  Jake Harper : I'll make it fit! Let's just go!

  Charlie Harper : No! No! No! Put it on over your pants! We'll take a look!

  Jake Harper : The heck you will!

  Alan Harper : Charlie, you're embarrassing him.

  Charlie Harper : Of course I am! That's why I came!