- Francine Smith: Yeah, I killed my college roommate. I can't believe you didn't know that. I stabbed her.
- Steve Smith: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
- Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
- Steve Smith: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.
- Roger the Alien: You're putting me on your family plan?
- Steve Smith: Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith. We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
- Stan Smith: Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment. You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.
- Roger the Alien: Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning at 7:00 with boxes and packing tape. Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them. If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded with a large fries.
- Roger the Alien: [when he meets his old family, the Logans] Why did you leave me like that?
- Brad. Logan: You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
- Roger the Alien: I paid you in laughter!
- Jenny Logan: We were afraid of you!
- Roger the Alien: Jenny, you better shut up right now or I will cut your face.
- Stan Smith: [about Roger's girlfriend] Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
- Francine Smith: Well, now that you've put the image in my head, yes, but not the Verne Troyer kind. That's too midgety.
- Steve Smith: [to Roger] I guess we all figured you'd be with Scottie. How is he by the way? Has he been worrying about whether having boners at night means he's gay? Because I have.
- Reginald: [to Hayley] Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Hey, girl, I know you hear me.
- Hayley Smith: What?
- Reginald: Easy, baby. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut except I'm a koala.