- Rita: You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
- Brian Griffin: Here?
- Rita: No, the davenport, the chesterfield.
- Brian Griffin: On this?
- Rita: No. Does that look like a divan to you?
- Brian Griffin: Here?
- Rita: Ugh. Leave them on the chifforobe.
- Brian Griffin: You know what? Just take your fucking keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- Chris Griffin: Why are they selling all those DVDs so cheap?
- Peter Griffin: Because, Chris, DVDs are outdated and obsolete. Like white track stars.
- [cutaway]
- Olympics Referee: On your marks, get set. White guys, go!
- [starter pistol]
- White Runner: I have high hopes for this. I had a Clif bar before we started.
- Olympics Referee: Everybody else!
- [starter pistol; the black athletes easily outpace the white ones]
- White Runner: [fearful gasp] Phew. I thought they were coming after us.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, my god! "Road House"! I wanna buy this!
- Video Store Clerk: Great, and as a bonus, I'll throw in "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams.
- Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
- Video Store Clerk: No charge.
- Peter Griffin: I do not want it.
- Video Store Clerk: But it's free, sir.
- Peter Griffin: If that DVD even touches "Road House", I will kill you.
- Peter Griffin: [finishing "Road House"] That was awesome! And its message is timeless.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, the only message in that movie is that every problem can be solved by kicking.
- Peter Griffin: [gasp] Oh, my god. Brian, you're right.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, I'm joking.
- Peter Griffin: What did you say to me?
- Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
- Peter Griffin: Get off my plane.
- Brian Griffin: That's not even the same...
- [Peter roundhouse kicks him]
- Brian Griffin: Ohhh! What the hell?
- Peter Griffin: Not gonna talk to me like that in my bar.
- Brian Griffin: It's not a bar.
- [another roundhouse kick]
- Brian Griffin: Ohh!
- [Peter proceeds to beat him up, throwing him outside into the street; to avoid him, a driver overturns his car into Cleveland's house, and an empty bathtub slides out from the top floor and smashes on the ground]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.
- Lois Griffin: You know, it's still early, Peter. What do you say we horse around a little, huh?
- Peter Griffin: I think I can get on board with that.
- [they giggle and turn out the lights; after a moment, a kicking sound is heard]
- Lois Griffin: Ow!
- Peter Griffin: Road House.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sakes, if you're gonna do that, at least aim for my breasts.
- [another kicking sound]
- Lois Griffin: [aroused giggling] Oh, yeah.
- Brian Griffin: Well, you met her. What do you think?
- [Lois laughs]
- Brian Griffin: What?
- Lois Griffin: [still laughing] What do I think? She's a hundred! Oh, my god! Peter, did you see her?
- Peter Griffin: [upstairs] I'm looking at her now! I can see her from the window up here! Hey, anybody make a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
- Lois Griffin: No!
- Brian Griffin: Awesome! I'll be right down.
- Chris Griffin: [just as Peter arrives] Hey, Brian, who are you dating, Jessica Tandy?
- Peter Griffin: Son of a bitch! Damn it, Chris, I called that from upstairs!
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, it's 4:30. Isn't there an early bird special you should be running off to?
- Brian Griffin: She's 50, Stewie. She's not an old woman.
- [his phone rings]
- Brian Griffin: Hello? Hey, Rita.
- [lowering his voice]
- Brian Griffin: Uh, no, I'm not hungry yet. Well, if we get there by 5:30, I'm sure they'll honor it.
- Stewie Griffin: Brian, is she calling dinner "supper"?
- Brian Griffin: So, what are you doing this afternoon?
- Stewie Griffin: [high-pitched falsetto] "Oh, I'm just sorting out my pills for the week, sweetie."
- Brian Griffin: Well, you do that, and I'll be over a little later.
- Stewie Griffin: [he hangs up] Huh? Did I get it? Was she sorting out her pills for the week? In that little plastic thing with the seven boxes? Hmm?
- Brian Griffin: Actually, she just got back from the gym, and she's jumping in the shower.
- Stewie Griffin: She got a chair in that shower?
- Brian Griffin: Shut up!
- Stewie Griffin: [Brian leaves] Have archeologists ever discovered ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina? You know what? That one was too wordy. That one was too wordy. That-that was... that was flawed from the ground up. It wasn't funny, and we'll work on it and get back to you.
- Mayor Adam West: Please be here. Please be here.
- [finding "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie"]
- Mayor Adam West: Oh, sweet mother of God, there you are! I'll watch you with the lights off.
- [amused giggle]
- Mayor Adam West: Like I would dare.
- Rita: Is that... your condom?
- Brian Griffin: No! I... I-I mean, I mean I-I-I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I mean, I-I-I wouldn't... I would not... I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean, I-I-I would, if I was having sex with her, which obviously, I would not do. But if... if... I mean, I'm safe and all, you know. I-I get an AIDS test once every three months. And, and-and not because I... I... it's... you know, it's not because I have a lot of sex. I just... I just eat a lot of poo off the street. Come to think of it, how did this get in my wallet in the first place?
- Stewie Griffin: [narrating an accompanying note] Dear Brian, somewhere between the point when you're excited enough to want it and too excited to care, think about your future. Your friend, Stewie.
- Brian Griffin: Well, I think I've been humiliated enough for one evening. Sorry to bother you.