- Shawn Spencer: Dad, kids your age should not be cooped up inside playing video games all day. You should be outdoors feeding pigeons and driving with your blinker on.
- Henry Spencer: Oh, let me guess, relationship trouble?
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah. I hate when we fight.
- Henry Spencer: I'm sure she feels the same way.
- Shawn Spencer: I'm not talking about Abigail, I'm talking about Gus.
- Henry Spencer: So am i.
- Shawn Spencer: [introducing him and Gus] My name is Shawn.
- [points to Gus]
- Shawn Spencer: This is also Shawn. No relation.
- Carlton Lassiter: Talking to Vick. She wants to know if you two dopes are on the case.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, Lassie my friend, I'm afraid the answer is a big, fat...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes.
- Shawn Spencer: And by "yes", he means...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Absolutely.
- Shawn Spencer: May I speak with you in the stop-openly-contradicting-me room, please?
- Mary: Well, you know about Lucy, don't you?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes, of course. She charges, what, five cents for psychiatric help? And if she asks you to kick a football, you say no.
- Carlton Lassiter: Well, you can tell your senses to kiss my-
- [sees a Nun walk by]
- Carlton Lassiter: -sweet love biscuits.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't know if you made that any less offensive.
- Shawn Spencer: Psychic detectives, to be exact.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Actually, he's the psychic. I'm a pharmaceutical salesman.
- Shawn Spencer: We also do commercial jingles.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No we don't.
- Shawn Spencer: We will.
- [sings]
- Shawn Spencer: Boom, boom, boom... *muffins*.
- Father Peter Westley: That's incredible
- Shawn Spencer: Thanks, I made it up just now.
- Father Peter Westley: No, I was talking about the detective thing.
- Shawn Spencer: Oh, that too.
- Shawn Spencer: But props to you for your performance as a a possessed girl. Linda Blair would be proud. Now you can do your best impression of her in Chained Heat.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: And...
- Shawn Spencer: Red Heat!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Right!
- Shawn Spencer: Two prison movies!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Right!
- Mrs. Ryan: It's like she's a shell of her former self. Do you think she has PTSD?
- Shawn Spencer: I'm afraid this is far more serious than a mere menstrual issue.