Quotes
-
Mark Corrigan : I don't know why you're sweating it, dude. You should just ask her out, like I did with Dobby.
Jeremy Usborne : Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, ever, ever successfully arranged a date with a woman does not suddenly make you Alfie. OK?
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] He's never dated. He just ruts like a hog.
-
Jeremy Usborne : Look, I've just bought so much, I've got to offload it somewhere. Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs does not make a drug dealer.
Mark Corrigan : Well, yes it does.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh God... Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!
-
Jeremy Usborne : God, I really, really, really, really hope the baby's not mine. The last thing I need is an infant cramping my style.
Mark Corrigan : Me too. I guess it's 50/50.
[looks at Jeremy]
Mark Corrigan : What?
Jeremy Usborne : Is it really 50/50? Or is it in fact much more likely that my guys will have won the sperm war?
Mark Corrigan : What?
Jeremy Usborne : Mine are like soldiers of fortune. The Scuba Squadron.
Mark Corrigan : The Scuba Squadron?
Jeremy Usborne : Yours are probably just glad of the practice, like "Yay, we're out and we're not in the wank flannel." Mine are much more "OK guys, here we go again, this is the drop zone, you know the drill." Suave.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] He actually thinks he has suave spermatozoa. He characterises his sperms.
-
Jeremy Usborne : I'm freezing. Let's whack it up to 29.
Mark Corrigan : 29 degrees, are you insane?
Jeremy Usborne : I don't actually want it to be 29, but you've got to give it something to aim for. It'll get hotter quicker.
Mark Corrigan : No, it won't, it's either on or off. You set it, it achieves the correct temperature, it switches off.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh sure, you set it to 23, it'll be pootering along, "Oh yeah, 23, easy. Yeah, nearly there." Wouldn't you rather "Fuck! 29? Christ, let's get cracking, got to generate some serious heat!" Then when it hits 23, we're suddenly all like "Click. Sorry. Already there." And the boiler will be like "What the fuck?"
Mark Corrigan : You want to try to trick the boiler?
-
Mark Corrigan : [about the thermostat] Can you turn it down? It's on 23 and ideally I want it no higher than 17.
Jeremy Usborne : Mark, women are coming, we want to make the women hot.
Mark Corrigan : No, you want it cold so they have to cuddle up to you for warmth. Plus frugality is very attractive in a man.
-
Jeremy Usborne : Oh my God, there she is. Elena from the flats. Oh, she's so gorgeous.
Mark Corrigan : Right. Yeah, she is attractive. Although, brown rice and pop tarts? Chamomile tea and economy vodka? That's a car crash of a shopping basket.
-
Mark Corrigan : Right, I'm going to make a move. I'm off for a nice bit of Laser Commando. I'll see you at the pain-fest later.
Jeremy Usborne : Right, Laser Commando. See you later.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne : What's he really doing? UKIP meeting? Gay sauna? Maiming farm animals? Don't ask, don't tell.
-
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Russian men are all probably infertile. Thanks, Chernobyl.
-
Jeremy Usborne : [reading his poem "Fuck you, Bush"] Fuck you, Bush. It's time to get out of Iraq, Bush. What were you even doing there in the first place, Bush? You didn't even get properly elected, Bush. Are you happy now, Bush? Fuck you, Bush.
Elena : Wow. I love the way the last line is the same as the first line.
Jeremy Usborne : Thanks. I did that on purpose.
