- [about the baby Sophie is pregnant with]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Of course it'll be a boy, and he'll be just like me. It'll be like going through it all again, the PE hell, the stolen packed lunch, having to do a little dance and sing "I'm a gaylord" to the tune of Like a Virgin, although obviously the tune will be different in 11 years time.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Good old Dobby. The anxious, self-hating man's crumpet. But probably best if I never, ever say that to her.
- Mark Corrigan: Jez, mate, big problem.
- Jeremy Usborne: Balls again?
- Mark Corrigan: No, not my balls. Dobby's taken back her boss's laptop and I don't think I cleaned off the... that porn you recommended.
- Jeremy Usborne: I didn't recommend it. I'm not Time Out.
- Mark Corrigan: Yes, you did, you gave it five stars.
- Jeremy Usborne: And you didn't wipe it?
- Mark Corrigan: I don't remember. I might have.
- Jeremy Usborne: Always wipe, Mark. "Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe." That's the rhyme.
- Mark Corrigan: Anyway if I was wondering if, if you could say, if Dobby does find it, that it was you who was looking at the porn?
- Jeremy Usborne: No.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh come on, Jez. It's going really well again with Dobby, I don't need this, and Christ, if Jan finds out, I'm dead, tidy hair or no tidy hair. I just want you to... take a wank bullet for me.
- Jeremy Usborne: I don't want to take another wank bullet. What am I, some kind of wank shield?
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, right. I see. So you'll take a wank bullet for Elena but you won't for me. Ten minutes with her is worth more than ten years with me. Well, I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.
- Jeremy Usborne: Elena is my one true soulmate.
- Mark Corrigan: It's remarkable, isn't it, that out of the 3 billion adult women in the world, your one true soulmate happens conveniently to live in the same block of flats as you, rather than, say, in a village in Mozambique?
- Mark Corrigan: Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? "Crick and Watson have discovered the Double Helix", "Did they do it on a skateboard?", "No", "Well, fuck off then, I'm not interested."
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, don't be a cock.
- Mark Corrigan: I'm not a cock. But the cock has certainly crowed. Thrice.
- Jeremy Usborne: When? What are you talking about?
- Mark Corrigan: It means you've betrayed... it's the New Testament. You cock.