- Dee Reynolds: What is "Night Crawlers"?
- Dennis Reynolds: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.
- Charlie Kelly: I never said that.
- Frank Reynolds: Yeah, well that's what it is.
- Dee Reynolds: I'm assuming you wouldn't have lured him down by a fire. Is that- is that what your face is doing right now?
- Tabitha: Yeah, uh, and I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar either.
- Gail the Snail: Mom, I'm sexually active now. Get over it!
- Donna: You're 33 years old, you're supposed to be sexually active. You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under a table!
- Dennis Reynolds: We're caring people. That's our nature.
- Tabitha: Um, what's Frank struggling with the most right now?
- Dee Reynolds: Ooh, he is trying to bang our aunt.
- Dennis Reynolds: That's the big one.
- Tabitha: These things deal more with drug and alchohol abuse.
- Dennis Reynolds: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here.
- Tabitha: So he does have a drinking problem.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, big time!
- Dee Reynolds: Oh, lady.
- Dee Reynolds: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?
- Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from a place of love and concern.
- Dennis Reynolds: Too soft. I think we should come at him with an iron fist and crush him into submission.
- Charlie Kelly: Right, right, and you know what, if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.
- Tabitha: Why-why would I need to be armed?
- Charlie Kelly: Well, Frank's usually carrying like a little gun around with him and he doesn't really hesitate to use it.
- Dennis Reynolds: And you know what? Have the gun out and ready to rock.
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah, in fact we can all have- we'll all have guns.
- Dee Reynolds: It's just safer.
- Charlie Kelly: You know what, if we maybe ambush Frank with a net or some kind of like rope device, the gun will maybe drop out of his waist.
- Dee Reynolds: You want to bring him in a net?
- Dennis Reynolds: That could get awkward. I say bring a gun.
- Dee Reynolds: Just bring the gun.
- Charlie Kelly: I don't want to get shot so just bring a gun, will ya?
- Mac: I have an idea.
- Frank Reynolds: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
- Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.
- Frank Reynolds: [at the cemetery] Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
- Donna: Hello, Frank.
- Frank Reynolds: You surprised to see me?
- Donna: No. You left several voicemails congratulating me on my husband's death.
- Frank Reynolds: Well, I was pretty baked.
- Tabitha: You know, I do offer group therapy.
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah...
- Dennis Reynolds: What are you doing?
- Dee Reynolds: What is this you're doing?
- Dennis Reynolds: What is that? What is that?
- Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention, and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
- Dee Reynolds: [smiling] Yeah.
- Dennis Reynolds: Oh, you put wine in the soda can? That's good.
- Dee Reynolds: You didn't know, did you? Soda.
- Charlie Kelly: You stole Frank's idea.
- Dee Reynolds: Yeah, yeah, actually it's a pretty good one.
- Charlie Kelly: It's a good idea. I mean, the guy's got great ideas.
- Dee Reynolds: He's a smart man. That's not what we're here about.
- Charlie Kelly: But I do feel like she just tried an intervention on us.
- Dennis Reynolds: Did you intervene on us? Is that what that was? You know what I'm feeling? I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here and, really, we're the ones that are running things now.
- Dee Reynolds: I've lost my trust in you. I feel like we can do this on our own.
- Dennis Reynolds: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.
- Charlie Kelly: You guys think?
- Dee Reynolds: Why not?
- Charlie Kelly: All right, might as well give it a shot.
- Dennis Reynolds: Let's just do that.
- Dee Reynolds: Thank you.
- Charlie Kelly: Thanks for your help. You did your best. Uh, no hard feelings. I'm gonna grab some of this literature too.
- Dennis Reynolds: She didn't do that great of a job.
- Charlie Kelly: No, I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.
- Frank Reynolds: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
- Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
- Frank Reynolds: No.
- Charlie Kelly: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
- Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah, you do.
- Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
- [points to Tabitha]
- [Frank and Mac are walking down the street; Frank is cackling drunkenly and spraying beer out of his mouth]
- Mac: [tapping him on the shoulder] All right, Frank, here's another idea.
- Frank Reynolds: [surprised] Oh-ho-oh! Where'd you come from?
- Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
- Frank Reynolds: [opening another beer] Sorry, I'm-I'm a little, uh, lit. And, uh, I been goin' over this thing, I'm tryin' to figure out how...
- Mac: [overlapping] How to bang Donna. I know, you've been talkin' about it for the last five miles. You know what, dude, it doesn't matter, I got a better idea. I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
- [Frank gulps down his beer]
- Frank Reynolds: My niece?
- Mac: Yeah!
- Frank Reynolds: Gail the Snail?
- Mac: Yeah, dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? Plus you're not blood-related, so it's not that weird.
- Frank Reynolds: [belches in Mac's face] That is a good idea. I like the way you're thinkin'.
- Mac: [annoyed] Yeah.
- [Frank hawks several times; Mac grimaces and waves his hand in front of his face]
- Frank Reynolds: What's in it for you?
- Mac: Huh?
- [Frank hawks again]
- Mac: Uugghh, Jesus...
- Frank Reynolds: What's in it for you?
- Mac: Don't worry about what's in it for me, dude.
- [Frank hawks again]
- Mac: Oh, my God, you are disgusting! A disgusting animal!
- [he walks away; Frank hawks one more time as beer foam bubbles out of his mouth and down his chest]