Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (TV Series)

Comedy Edition, Show 3: Denis Leary, Jack Black (2001)

Denis Leary: Self - Contestant

Quotes 

• Regis Philbin : [on the $125,000 question]  "I Am Born" is the title of the first chapter of what classic novel? Huckleberry Finn, Invisible Man, Frankenstein, David Copperfield."

  Denis Leary : Oh man.

  Regis Philbin : Did you read any of these books?

  Denis Leary : Um... you know, I read... Invisible Man, and Huckleberry Finn, but when I was much younger, and I don't remember opening...

  Regis Philbin : "I Am Born". The title of the first chapter.

  Denis Leary : Ugh... "I Am Born".

  Regis Philbin : You wanna narrow it down by two, then let the audience at it?

  Denis Leary : I dunno, you would think, because of Frankenstein, but...

  Regis Philbin : "I Am Born". Yeah.

  Denis Leary : I never read the Frankenstein book, I saw "Young Frankenstein", that was a great movie. Peter Boyle, remember him?

  Regis Philbin : Yeah, he was great, wasn't he? And Gene Hackman.

  Denis Leary : Yep. Gene Hackman? Gene Wilder.

  Regis Philbin : Gene Hackman was in it too, had a classic scene.

  Denis Leary : Gene Hackman was? Forget it, we've got questions here to deal with, I'll talk to you about that later on. You're trying to throw me off. Or are you trying to give me a clue?

  Regis Philbin : No.

  Denis Leary : What are you doing with me, Regis?

  Regis Philbin : No, I'm not!

  [audience laughter] 

  Regis Philbin : Gene Hackman played the blind man.

  Denis Leary : Oh that's right, you're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

  Regis Philbin : Now, are you leaning...

  Denis Leary : Young Frankenstein. I have a lot of money on the line here!

• Denis Leary : [stuck on the $64,000 question, deciding to use his Phone-a-Friend lifeline]  My history guy is, uh, he's a guy from Harvard, I think. Is that right?

  [turns around to the audience, then turns back] 

  Denis Leary : Yeah, the guy from Harvard. I don't even know his name, but it's a guy from Harvard.

  Regis Philbin : All right, we'll get him on the line. We need a guy from Harvard, AT&T! Please help.

  [phone rings] 

  Denis Leary : Oh my God.

  Regis Philbin : [phone is answered- "Hello?"]  Hi, Regis Philbin calling from New York. Are... are you from Harvard?

  ["Yes I am."] 

  Regis Philbin : [audience laughter]  Do you mind if I ask you what your name is?

  ["My name is David Blackmont."] 

  Regis Philbin : Exactly the David we're looking for! Yes, I'm here with Denis Leary, and he needs your help, David.

  ["Okay."] 

  Regis Philbin : He's won $32,000, going for 64, so he's got thirty seconds to give you the question and four possible answers, okay. Denis, you're on.

  Denis Leary : Hey Dave, "in 1803, what French leader agreed to sell the Louisiana Territory to the U.S.? A: Louis Philippe, uh, Louis XVI, Napoleon Bonaparte, or Maximilien Robespierre."

  ["Uh, Napoleon Bonaparte."] 

  Denis Leary : Are you sure?

  ["1803."] 

  Denis Leary : 1803.

  ["That's Napoleon Bonaparte."] 

  Denis Leary : You're certain.

  ["I'm quite sure it's Napoleon Bonaparte in 1803."] 

  Denis Leary : Quite sure is not certain, Dave. Are you certain?

  ["I'm certain. I'm certain."] 

  Denis Leary : This is something that you know. Okay.

  ["Yep."] 

  Denis Leary : All right, thanks.

  ["You're welcome."] 

  Regis Philbin : Thanks, David. Now, did you ever meet David?

  Denis Leary : No, and I hope... I'm GONNA meet him if this is wrong!

  [audience laughter] 

  Denis Leary : I'm gonna meet him this afternoon up in Boston!

• Denis Leary : [stuck on the $125,000 question]  You had such a nice, sweet, light-hearted morning show thing going, and then you started this evil torture show.

  [Regis laughs] 

  Denis Leary : Just not right. You're taking years off my life right now.

• Denis Leary : [stuck on the $64,000 question]  Y'know, Kimmel got an easy one the other day. That was a fix, wasn't it?