- Charlie Harper: He's just a teenager. You know, that awkward phase between junior high and methadone clinic.
- Chelsea: You have a girlfriend, Jake?
- Jake Harper: That's kinda personal, isn't it?
- Chelsea: I just want to know.
- Jake Harper: Why? Are you writing a book?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah. It's called, "The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass."
- Chelsea: [after Jake is rude to her] I don't get it. What did I do?
- Charlie Harper: I'll tell you what you did. You anthropomorphized him.
- Chelsea: What?
- Charlie Harper: It means treating something as human when it's really not. Kinda like what you do with your cat, which, frankly, makes more sense.
- Alan Harper: Just like in high school.
- Melissa: I never did this in high school.
- Alan Harper: Sex in a car? You're kinda built for it.
- Chelsea: He didn't even say, "thank you".
- Charlie Harper: He's leaving the room. We should be thanking *him*.