How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Sexless Innkeeper (2009)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Quotes 

• Ted Mosby : Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?

  Barney Stinson : No, not really.

  Ted Mosby : [starts reciting regardless]  T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.

  Barney Stinson : [interrupts]  With quill?

  Ted Mosby : [explaining with sarcasm]  Barney. It's a poem.

  Ted Mosby : [contines]  A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

• Ted Mosby : What the hell is "The Sexless Innkeeper"?

  Barney Stinson : Ted, many a man- nay, many a soul has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?

  Ted Mosby : Not really.

  Barney Stinson : [continues with no pause]  T'was the night before new year's, And the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, And I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, The gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...

  Ted Mosby : [interrupts]  Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?

  Barney Stinson : [disgusted]  Ted, it's a poem.

  Barney Stinson : Last call was approaching, And my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left And stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard And weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings And swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream And threw up in my mouth. I asked, "where do you live?" And she said, "one block south." I swallowed my pride And six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the gods That she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, She found a sound sleeper. And thus she became The sexless innkeeper.

  Barney Stinson : And so are you!

• Ted Mosby : Barney, are you wearing sweatpants?

  Barney Stinson : Maybe, but they're Armani.

• Maiden : It must be hard to be a professor, grading tests and all.

  Ted Mosby : The key is to make it fun. For example, every time I find a spelling error, I take a shot. I'm totally trashed right now, and I blame our education system.