- Barney Stinson: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
- Marshall Eriksen: Awww, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews Band on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer footrub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but... thanks for your concern, rook'.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Are they still bagpiping? How long has it been?
- Ted Mosby: They've been at it for six hours It must be that tantric bagpiping Sting is into.
- Robin Scherbatsky: And she keeps telling him to bagpipe her harder. It seems to me he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom, and it's like Jurassic Park in there.
- Ted Mosby: Hey, up there! You have neighbor! Shut the bagpipe up!
- Marshall Eriksen: Lily fights dirty. She's small but vicious, like a badger that your brother starved for four days and then put in your sleeping bag.
- Barney Stinson: Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend. Ted, you're gonna stand up to your neighbors. Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily. And Robin, I'm gonna need you in some sort of a crouching position in the bear-skinned rug of our skiing chalet. Ready? Break!
- Barney Stinson: Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually?
- Ted Mosby: Um, I dated her for a year...
- Barney Stinson: Yeah...
- Ted Mosby: I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little known condition-"little known" because I just made it up-called New Relationship Smugness.
- Ted Mosby: I knew you were lying, you gotta wake up pretty early to slip one by the T-Mose
- Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, seriously, stop it.
- Robin Scherbatsky: So what if we're not the best couple in the world?
- Barney Stinson: Yeah. It's not like it's a competition.
- [Meanwhile, in Lily and Marshall's appartment]
- Lily Aldrin: We win!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Pops open bottle of champagne] Best couple in the world!