Tales of Monkey Island: Chapter 4 - The Trial and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood (2009 Video Game)
Brian Sommer: Bailiif Killick Hardtack, Judge Wallace P. Grindstump, Rockrib the Doorman
Quotes
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Guybrush Threepwood : Your honor, I'd like to call Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate, to the stand!
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : [Calling out] Guybrush Threepwood!
Guybrush Threepwood : I'm right here.
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Oh, right.
[Offers a book for Guybrush to put his hand on]
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Do you swear on Blackbeard's log to tell the truth to the best of your ability as a grog-swilling, back-stabbing pirate?
Guybrush Threepwood : Oooh, what's this log made of, calf leather? You just can't find craftsmanship like this these days.
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Ahem.
Guybrush Threepwood : Oh... I do!
[Playing as counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Captain Sheepgood...
[playing as defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : Threepwood.
[counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Ah, yes, Shreveport.
[defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : *Threepwood*.
[counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Greensleeves.
[as defendant, angrily]
Guybrush Threepwood : Threepwood!
[defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : Treebeard?
[defendant, annoyed]
Guybrush Threepwood : Threeeeeep -
[counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Sleeeeee -
[defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : Woooooood!
[counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Staaaaaaaaack...
Stan : Objection! Defense is stalling!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : THE DEFENSE WILL GET ON WITH IT OR THE COURT WILL ORDER HIS NAME LEGALLY CHANGED TO "CAPTAIN GUTS FOR GARTERS!" ARRRRRRRRR!
-
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Captain Threepwood, having heard the grave charges arrayed against you, how do you plead?
Guybrush Threepwood : If I plead guilty, will I get out of here any quicker?
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Most definitely!
Guybrush Threepwood : Great! Then I plead...
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : After the summary executions by keelhauling, hanging, boiling and er... scaphism.
Guybrush Threepwood : Scaphism?
Stan : Trust me kid, you don't wanna know.
Guybrush Threepwood : Okay then... I plead not guilty by reason of insanity!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Ye look pretty sane to me!
Guybrush Threepwood : Sure, *now*, but any second I could start using monkeys as needle-nose pliers, or shooting myself out of trebuchets, or doing strange things with rubber trees. I'm crazy, I tells ya, craaaaaaaaazy!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : [Getting Pox-enraged] The defendant will cease his inane histrionics, or the court will be forced to yank out his tongue with a rusty shrimp fork! Arrrr!
Guybrush Threepwood : Okay, no insanity defense...
-
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : [Repeated line] Do you swear on Blackbeard's log to tell the truth to the best of your ability as a grog-swilling, back-stabbing pirate?
-
Guybrush Threepwood : [Reading a poster] "Stinkbeard's Common Laws for Common Pirates". Laws? Pirates don't need no stinkin' laws!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Fine! Then we'll proceed with the execution!
Guybrush Threepwood : On the other hand, maybe I could use a few good laws right now.
-
Guybrush Threepwood : [Noticing the barkeeper is the judge from his trial] Judge Grindstump?
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Oh please, no need to be so formal. In here I'm just plain ol' W.P. Grindstump, owner and proprietor of Club 41!
Guybrush Threepwood : Aren't you a little upset that I'm running around free?
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Heavens, no!
[Coughs]
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : What kind of pirate town would this be if we didn't condone the occasional jailbreak?
Guybrush Threepwood : What a remarkably progressive attitude.
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Besides, it's not as though you can really escape the swinging sword of Flotsam justice, what with these blasted winds blowing in again.
-
Guybrush Threepwood : So you're really the owner of Club 41?
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Have been ever since I won it from the original owner in a dart tournament a few years back. Poor ol' guy never knew what hit him...
Guybrush Threepwood : And by "hit him" you mean...
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : A dart, right in the ol' noggin.
Guybrush Threepwood : I've been wondering, why's this place called "Club 41," anyway?
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : You know, I don't rightly know.
[Coughs]
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Eh, the last owner never got a chance to tell me before he succumbed to his dart-related injuries.
-
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Congratulations, Captain Threepwood. It appears that you have successfully gotten yourself out from under your various civil charges.
Guybrush Threepwood : Shiver me timbers, Stumpy. I guess I'll be going now.
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Hold on, what's this? There appears to be a *criminal* charge on the other side of this blasted paper.
Guybrush Threepwood : Huh? Assault with molten nacho cheese isn't criminal? What else is there?
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : The "creation, incubation, dissemination, proliferation and mastication of a Pox or Pox-like affliction". A class one felonious act here on Flotsam.
[Crowd murmurs]
Guybrush Threepwood : Oh, grog nuts!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : How do you plead?
Guybrush Threepwood : Not guilty!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : On what grounds?
Guybrush Threepwood : There is no Pox! Everyone's just got the mumps.
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Does this LOOK like the mumps to you, sonny jim?
[coughs]
Guybrush Threepwood : Er... I may have aided in its creation, incubation, dissemination and proliferation, but mastication? That doesn't even make sense!
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : [Upset] Are you suggestioning that this court doesn't know the meaning of the words it uses?
Guybrush Threepwood : Um... no.
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Good!
-
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : All possessions will be returned to the prisoner once he's been cleared of all charges. In the likely event that the prisoner is not cleared of all charges, his property will be distributed to his heirs.
Guybrush Threepwood : But I don't *have* any heirs... that I know of.
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Then they'll be auctioned off at Ye Bay.
-
Guybrush Threepwood : I guess I'll represent myself.
Judge Wallace P. Grindstump : Captain Threepwood, are you aware of the old pirate court saying "the pirate who represents himself in court has a soon-to-be-keelhauled fool for a client"?
[chuckles]
Guybrush Threepwood : Yes, your honor... and I am that fool.
-
Guybrush Threepwood : [In jail] I wanna see my lawyer!
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Your lawyer?
Guybrush Threepwood : Yeah, you might have heard of him... Guybrush Treepwood, Mighty Pirate-At-Law.
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Fine.
[Leaves and enters jail]
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : All right, counsellor, judge Grindstump says you got five minutes.
Guybrush Threepwood : [to Hardtack] That should be more than enough for this piece of scumm.
[Playing as counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : I hope you had a good excuse for dragging me out of bed at this ungodly hour.
[Playing as defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : I need to know how my case is going. I haven't heard from you in days!
[as counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Not to worry, old bean. I think I can talk the judge down from draw-and-quartering to draw-and-thirding!
[as defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : You fraud!
[Punches himself, then returns to playing counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Guard! I'm quite done with my client!
-
Guybrush Threepwood : [In jail] I wanna see my lawyer!
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Your lawyer?
Guybrush Threepwood : Yeah, you might have heard of him... Guybrush Treepwood, Mighty Pirate-At-Law.
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : Fine.
[Leaves and enters jail]
Bailiif Killick Hardtack : All right, counsellor, judge Grindstump says you got five minutes.
Guybrush Threepwood : [to Hardtack] That should be more than enough for this piece of scumm.
[Playing as counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : I hope you had a good excuse for dragging me out of bed at this ungodly hour.
[Playing as defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : I've got a plan to break out of this joint, but I need your help to smuggle in a wombat and two sticks of string cheese!
[as counselor]
Guybrush Threepwood : You want me, an officer of the court, to aid in a jailbreak? Why, the mere idea is so preposterous that it's practically postposterous!
[as defendant]
Guybrush Threepwood : Why you -
[Punches himself, then returns to playing counsellor]
Guybrush Threepwood : Guard! I'm quite done with my client!