Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (TV Series)

Fanny Pack (1998)

Denis Leary: Denis

Quotes 

• Denis Leary : I mean, the main piece of advice I can give to people who are, y'know, thinking of having kids, and uh, I think this is a hard and fast rule is, you know what? Don't buy the toys that make the noise. That's the key thing, see?

  Dr. Katz : Sure.

  Denis Leary : Because if you buy a toy with a button on it that makes a noise, the kids are gonna press that button over and over again. That's the whole game for them.

  [imitates electronic noises] 

  Denis Leary : For hours at a time, they'll invite their other friends over, there'll be fifteen kids waitin' in line, "Oh that's cool, my turn:"

  [imitates electronic noises] 

  Denis Leary : And I warn you: Here's the worst toy that makes noise, ever.

  Dr. Katz : Okay.

  Denis Leary : The Darth Vader bank. I don't know if you've seen this toy, doc. It's, it's HUGE. And here's the gig with the toy: He's a bank. Okay? So the kids put the money in his mouth, and this is what you hear:

  [imitates Darth Vader's heavy breathing] 

  Denis Leary : "I am your father, Luke." For FIFTEEN minutes at a time, okay? One coin, fifteen minutes worth of noise, okay? I have kids lined up AGAIN, putting coin after coin after coin, I've had hours of:

  [imitates Darth Vader's heavy breathing] 

  Denis Leary : "You're not a jedi, Luke! Wagh!" On the third day, the mechanism that makes the voice go off when the coin goes in breaks.

  Dr. Katz : Mm-hmm.

  Denis Leary : So now, the toy doesn't NEED money to go off, it just goes off randomly in the middle of the night. Okay? So I find myself, at age forty, in my underwear, creepy-crawling to get to the bathroom, four o'clock in the morning, hoping that I won't walk too loudly and set off James Earl Jones's voice in my kid's bedroom. And it's always right when I get to the toilet seat, and I raise the toilet seat up, that little click when it hits the top, that's when I hear:

  [imitates Darth Vader's heavy breathing] 

  Denis Leary : "Denis, I'm on again, come in here and turn me off." It's not right, I'm almost naked, I'm forty, standing there giving the finger to James Earl Jones in my kid's room. It's not right.