- Robin Scherbatsky: So that settles it. Don's a rabbit.
- Ted Mosby: I wouldn't be too sure. Don... Donald... Donald Duck? And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?
- Lily Aldrin: Pants!
- Ted Mosby: Pants. Don's a duck. Requesting permission to lawyered.
- Marshall Eriksen: I'll allow it.
- Ted Mosby: Lawyered!
- Marshall Eriksen: I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit".
- Ted Mosby: Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate.
- Marshall Eriksen: What?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down.
- Lily Aldrin: Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.
- Marshall Eriksen: I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks.
- Narrator: This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.
- [Flash forward, everyone is yelling]
- Ted Mosby: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey.
- Marshall Eriksen: We're not talking about flavour, Ted!
- Ted Mosby: Flavour counts!
- [Flash forward, yelling]
- Marshall Eriksen: Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Flash forward, yelling] You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?
- Ted Mosby: [Flash forward] Hold on, I've got to get another book.
- Ted Mosby: [Flash forward] Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out?
- Marshall Eriksen: Because it's illegal, Ted!
- Ted Mosby: Only if we bet on it, Marshall!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Flash forward] FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!
- Barney Stinson: Get rid of it!
- Marshall Eriksen: What?
- Barney Stinson: This phone is cursed! It just never stops ringing! I try to ignore it, but I can't! I'ts ruining my life! I should get that.
- [Marshall takes the phone]
- Barney Stinson: No, let me answer it! It could be an emergency! She might be trapped inside a giant bra!
- Ranjit: Barney, let it go... to voice mail.
- [Barney has displayed his phone number on national TV, and keeps getting calls from women]
- Barney Stinson: [phone rings; Barney answers] Go for Barney. Cut to the chase - what's your cup size? Oh, hi, Mom!
- Barney Stinson: OK I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs!
- Ted Mosby: Wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?
- Barney Stinson: Oh, indubitably! I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis.
- Waiter: And you, Sir? The rabbit or the duck?
- Ted Mosby: What?
- Waiter: It's a pre-fixed menu for Valentine's Day and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. So rabbit or duck?
- Ted Mosby: [Regarding his date] Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go.
- [he leaves]
- Marshall Eriksen: Why would Ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out?
- Ted Mosby: [gesturing to Robin's pint glass] That beer looks a little flat.
- Robin Scherbatsky: It's Scotch.
- Barney Stinson: So, anyone know who won the Super Bowl last night?
- Marshall Eriksen: You should know. You were there...
- Barney Stinson: I won! I now have a magic phone that never stops ringing. And who's usually at the other end? A hot chick. The number of women who want me is now infinity!
- Narrator: Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Superbowl. Well, not all of us...
- [Cut to Barney at the stadium holding a sign]
- Phil Simms: Welcome back to Superbowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy! You think that's his real number?
- Ted Mosby: Well, that explains where Barney is.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Dibs on his wings!
- Marshall Eriksen: Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Whaaat?
- [In a high voice; huffs]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna attack him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!
- [Leaves the table]
- Ted Mosby: That right there is what free will gets you. Constant ego-shattering uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has. I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman. Marshall, Lily, arrange-marriage me!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Running through the bar in search of Ted's future wife] Hey! Hey, wanna get married?
- Lily Aldrin: [Talking to another girl, annoyed] I don't know what kind of architect? Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.
- Marshall Eriksen: [to threes girls sitting together] Wanna marry my friend Ted?
- [to the 2nd one]
- Marshall Eriksen: Wanna marry my friend Ted?
- [to the 3d one]
- Marshall Eriksen: Wanna marry my friend Ted?
- Lily Aldrin: You can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, uh!
- Marshall Eriksen: Hey, just real quick...
- [the girl pepper-sprays him, he writhes in pain]
- Marshall Eriksen: you wanna marry my friend Ted?
- Marshall Eriksen: [Trying to pick a date for Ted] Trudy?
- Lily Aldrin: Married.
- Marshall Eriksen: Blah Blah?
- Lily Aldrin: Committed.
- Marshall Eriksen: Relationship?
- Lily Aldrin: Bellevue.
- Marshall Eriksen: Natalie?
- Lily Aldrin: Ted's her least favorite person in the world.
- Marshall Eriksen: Well, she's not getting any younger.
- Ted Mosby: Get out there and find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day. If I like her, I will marry her... if she's cool with it. And she will be. Cause I'll wear my nice blazer.