- Alex Dunphy: So dumb guys go for dumb girls *and* smart guys go for dumb girls? What do the smart girls get?
- Phil Dunphy: Cats, mostly.
- Busboy: [about Dylan and his "date", Phil] They were talking about taking a trip to Graceland together.
- Haley Dunphy: He just wants to go 'cause he thinks it's an amusement park!
- Haley Dunphy: [after breaking up with Dylan] I miss him.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah. He was your first real boyfriend.
- Haley Dunphy: I keep expecting him to show up. He used to come by at night and I'd sneak out to see him.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, I know.
- Haley Dunphy: You knew?
- Phil Dunphy: His car's thirty years old and doesn't have a muffler. And he honked.
- David: Don't worry, you'll get it. You know, a lot of scientists are women.
- Haley Dunphy: They're fat though, right?
- Cameron Tucker: Mama should be here by now. I wonder what's keeping her?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well Cam, that depends. Did she take her jalopy or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?
- Cameron Tucker: You know, Missouri's more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for, Mitchell. It's got a very vibrant cowboy poetry scene.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Not sure you're making the point that you think.