Portal 2 (2011 Video Game)
Ellen McLain: GLaDOS, Turrets, Caroline
Photos
Quotes
-
Cave Johnson : [Cave Johnson died long before the events of the game. Chell and GLaDOS are listening to his last recorded words, a message for his human test subjects, which he made while he was deathly ill] All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade!
GLaDOS : Yeah.
Cave Johnson : Make life take the lemons back!
GLaDOS : Yeah!
Cave Johnson : Get Mad!
GLaDOS : Yeah!
Cave Johnson : I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?
GLaDOS : Yeah, take the lemons!
Cave Johnson : Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons!
GLaDOS : Oh, I like this guy.
Cave Johnson : I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that'll burn your house down!
GLaDOS : Burn it down! Burning people. He says what we're all thinking.
Cave Johnson : [sickly cough] The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's inteligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that one out right now. Brain mapping, artificial inteligence - we should've been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me in to a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
[another sickly cough]
Cave Johnson : Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't do it. She's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
[another sickly cough]
Cave Johnson : All right, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
GLaDOS : Goodbye, sir.
-
GLaDOS : [Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying toward Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
GLaDOS : [On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley : Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
[On-Screen caption: Chapter 9: the Part Where He Kills You]
Wheatley : [Achievement unlocked: the part where he kills you. This is that part]
["The Part Where He Kills You" starts playing]
-
Wheatley : [ding sound, Wheatley reveals a potato with a device on it] Ahhh... See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
[laughs]
GLaDOS : I know you.
Wheatley : Sorry, what?
GLaDOS : The engineers tried everything to make me - behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
Wheatley : No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
GLaDOS : It was YOUR voice.
Wheatley : No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
GLaDOS : Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Wheatley : I am NOT! A MORON!
[Wheatley starts hitting the glass of the elevator Chell is in with the arm holding GLaDOS]
GLaDOS : Yes you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
Wheatley : [continues punching the glass] Well how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
[the elevator, with Chell and GLaDOS in it, breaks completely and falls down the shaft]
Wheatley : Uh-oh.
-
[from trailer]
GLaDOS : I think we can put our differences behind us... for science... you monster.
-
GLaDOS : [Chell and GLaDOS are falling down a very long shaft] Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
[claps slowly three times]
GLaDOS : Oh, good. My slow-clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - Well, we *are* going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts: he's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the *dumbest* moron who ever lived. And *you* just put him in charge of the entire facility.
[clap, clap]
GLaDOS : Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long-fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot...
-
[Chell completes a puzzle]
GLaDOS : Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: "A horrible person." We weren't even testing for that. Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
-
GLaDOS : [after Chell steps on an Aerial Faith Plate for the first time] Look at you, soaring through the air like an eagle... piloting a blimp.
-
Announcer : [Chell arrives in a room with broken turrets on a conveyor belt to an incinerator] Turret redemption lines active. Please do not engage with turrets heading toward redemption.
[Chell jumps on the belt]
Announcer : Turret redemption lines are not rides. Please exit the turret redemption line.
[Chell comes upon a working turret aiming its laser out]
Oracle Turret : I'm different!
[Chell picks the turret up]
Oracle Turret : Thank you.
[pause]
Oracle Turret : Get mad!
[pause]
Oracle Turret : Don't make lemonade!
[pause]
Oracle Turret : Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast to the bowels of the Earth and pecked by birds.
[pause]
Oracle Turret : It won't be enough. The answer lies beneath us.
[pause]
Oracle Turret : Her name is Caroline. Remember that. That's all I can say.
-
GLaDOS : Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
-
Wheatley : All right, so that last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you, so let's try it her way, all right, fatty? Adopted... fatty! Fatty, fatty no parents?
GLaDOS : And...?
Wheatley : What?
GLaDOS : What exactly is wrong with being adopted?
Wheatley : What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well, uh, Lack of parents?
GLaDOS : [to Chell] For the record, you are adopted and that's terrible. Just work with me.
Wheatley : Some of my my best friends are actually orphans.
GLaDOS : Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
Wheatley : I AM NOT A MORON! Just do the test; just do the test.
-
GLaDOS : You look ugly in that jumpsuit. That's not my opinion; it's right here on your fact sheet. They said on everyone else it looked fine, but on you, it looked hideous. But still what does an old engineer know about fashion? Oh, wait, it's a she. Still, what does she know about - oh, wait. She has a medical degree. In fashion. From France.
-
GLaDOS : [Chell wakes up after defeating the final boss] Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I *thought* you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson - where Caroline lives in my brain.
[beep]
Announcer : Caroline deleted.
GLaDOS : [her old self] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson: the best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go.
[GLaDOS starts Chell's elevator moving up; she laughs softly]
GLaDOS : It's been fun. Don't come back.
-
GLaDOS : Hey, Moron!
Wheatley : Oh, Hello.
GLaDOS : All right, Paradox time.
GLaDOS : [slowly and deliberately] This. Sentence. Is. FALSE.
[to herself]
GLaDOS : Don't think about it, don't think about it!
Wheatley : Um, true. I'll go with true. There, that was easy. To be honest, I might have heard that one before.
GLaDOS : It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
-
GLaDOS : You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge. You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right. The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying... because for the first time it's *my* voice! I'm being serious. I think there's something really wrong with me!
-
Oracle Turret : [Chell and Wheatley are making their way through the bowels of the Aperature Laboratries complex and encounter a turret stuck inside one of the pipes of the facility's pipe network] Hello?
Wheatley : Oh no...
Oracle Turret : Hello?
Wheatley : Yes, hello! No, we're not stopping!
Oracle Turret : Excuse me?
Wheatley : [whispers to Chell] Don't make eye contact, whatever you do.
Oracle Turret : Hello?
Wheatley : No thanks! We're good! Appreciate it!
[whispering to Chell]
Wheatley : Keep walking! Keep walking!
Oracle Turret : Thanks anyway.
-
GLaDOS : I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now.
[phone dialing and ringing; in a stranger, lower voice]
GLaDOS : The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up.
[Dial tone; normal voice]
GLaDOS : Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
-
Wheatley : I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Well, only TWO more chambers!
GLaDOS : We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
[Chell steps onto an Aerial Faith Plate, but it unexpectedly launches her and GLaDOS sideways into a series of other Plates and an Excursion Funnel toward Wheatley's area]
Wheatley : SURPRISE! We're doing it now.
GLaDOS : Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well-laid trap.
Wheatley : You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here, built specifically for testin'!
GLaDOS : Oh, no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just, you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
-
GLaDOS : I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive Club. Ha, ha.
-
Wheatley : Ta da! Only the Turret Control Center, thank you very much.
Announcer : [this announcer-turret cycle repeats continuously while Wheatley talks] Template.
Turret : Hello.
[turret on conveyor belt is scanned and checked against the master turret in booth]
Announcer : Response.
[turret on belt moves onward]
Wheatley : See that scanner right there?
Announcer : [occasionally, a defective turret will come through] Template.
Defective Turret : Hello?
Announcer : Response.
[the defective turret is catapulted into a trash chute]
Defective Turret : Ah, come on!
[or one of many other phrases]
Wheatley : It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that master template right there as a template. Now if we pull out the template turret, it will shut down the entire production line. Right, hmm... I'm gonna have to hack the door. So that we can get at it. Technical, um... You'll need to turn around while I do it. Turn around. I'll only be a second, if you wouldn't mind.
[Chell turns around; a crashing sound is heard]
Wheatley : Done! Hacked!
[the glass in the top half of the door has been smashed]
Wheatley : Okay, go on, just pull that other turret out.
[Chell uses portals to get inside and remove the template turret]
Wheatley : Well, that should do it!
Announcer : Template missing. Continuing from memory.
-
Wheatley : You two are going to *love* this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're going to love it... to death. Love it... until you're, until it kills you. Until you're dead.
[chuckles]
Wheatley : Alright? I don't know whether... you're, uh, you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
GLaDOS : [weary] Yes, thanks. We get it.
-
GLaDOS : [at the entrance to test room 12] Perfect. The door's malfunctioning. I bet somebody's going to have to repair that, too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
[GLaDOS "leaves"]
Wheatley : [outside a window] Hey, hey! Up here! I found some bird eggs up here; just dropped them into the door mechanism; shut it right down. I-...
[the bird suddenly swoops and attacks him]
Wheatley : Aaah! Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!
[runs away and comes back a few seconds later]
Wheatley : Okay, that's probably the bird, isn't it? That laid the eggs! Livid! Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, all right? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how - to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing; just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me. Never saw me.
[Leaves]
GLaDOS : [the door is now completely open] I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be - well, living anymore. Anyway, back to testing!
-
GLaDOS : [the system is attempting to swap GLaDOS for Wheatley] Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue-...
GLaDOS : Yes!
Wheatley : Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out! Pull me out!
Announcer : - -unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
[the room machinery starts to move]
Wheatley : Leave me in! Leave me in! Go press it!
GLaDOS : Don't. Do it.
Wheatley : Yes, do do it!
[Chell runs for the button in the adjacent room, but GLaDOS stops her with a panel coming out of the floor]
GLaDOS : Not so fast! Think about this. You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Wheatley : Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications, but you've got something more important than that. A finger with which to press that button so that she won't kill us.
[Chell uses portals to get inside the room and past GLaDOS's floor panel blockage]
GLaDOS : Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
[Chell presses the button]
Announcer : Please return to the core transfer bay.
GLaDOS : AHH!
Announcer : Stalemate Resolved.
-
Wheatley : [about to undergo a Core Transfer with GLaDOS] Here I go! Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
GLaDOS : Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Wheatley : Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it? Exactly how painful are we - AGHHHHHH!
[the built-in systems begin to disassemble GLaDOS's head from her body from under the floor]
GLaDOS : GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No! No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-...
[Some panels hide the actual transfer and dump GLaDOS's head out on the floor near Chell; Wheatley comes out, now controlling GLaDOS's body]
Wheatley : Wowwwww! Check me out, partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
[Wheatley begins spinning around]
Wheatley : Whoa - ho, ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I? Oh, Right! The escape lift! I'll call it now.
[a small elevator rises up]
Wheatley : There we go. Lift called.
-
Cave Johnson : As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests. We're not going to release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there will always be a limo waiting for you. Say goodbye, Caroline.
Caroline : Goodbye, Caroline!
Cave Johnson : She is a gem.
-
Cave Johnson : [prerecorded message] The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.
GLaDOS : [on Chell's portal gun] Hold on, who...?
Cave Johnson : [to Caroline] Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Caroline : Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson!
GLaDOS : [simultaneously but slower] Yes, sir, Mister Johnson.
[snaps out of it]
GLaDOS : Why did I just - ? Who is that? What the *hell* is going on he...
[shorts out]
-
GLaDOS : Did you feel that? That idiot doesn't know what he's doing up there. This whole place is going to explode in a few hours if somebody doesn't disconnect him. I can't move, and unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse.
-
[to Atlas and P-body during co-op mode]
GLaDOS : As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it's perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange, you are doing very well.
-
[to Atlas and P-body during co-op mode]
GLaDOS : The two of you have formed an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest.
-
GLaDOS : [after GLaDOS recaptures Chell, she realizes that Chell and Wheatley have been sabotaging her turrets while away] Oh, you were busy back there. Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
[she extends a large clear pipe toward Chell]
GLaDOS : It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
Wheatley : [Wheatley comes rolling down the pipe, which has no neurotoxin in it for a similar reason] Ooagh! GAH! Agh! Ugh! Enh! Agh! Ungh! Ow! Agh! Agh! Hello!
[lands]
GLaDOS : I hate you so much.
Announcer : Warning: central core is eighty percent corrupt.
GLaDOS : That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Announcer : Alternate core detected.
Wheatley : Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Announcer : To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle.
GLaDOS : Core transfer? Oh, you are kidding me.
Wheatley : I've got an idea! Do what it says! plug me in!
GLaDOS : Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Announcer : [Chell places Wheatley in the Substitute Core Transfer Receptacle] Core accepted. Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Wheatley : Yes!
Announcer : Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
GLaDOS : No!
Wheatley : Ohhhhhh, yes, she is.
GLaDOS : Nonononononono!
Announcer : Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
-
Wheatley : [Wheatley has just seized control of the facility from GLaDOS] Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant! Let me tell you, I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but - wow, this is cool! And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
[deeper voice]
Wheatley : Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor consulta el manual.
[Translated to You are using the system incorrectly, please refer to the manual for instructions]
Wheatley : [normal voice]
Wheatley : I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out! Oh, Sorry! The lift. Sorry, I keep forgetting.
[he starts the lift moving up]
Wheatley : This body is amazing, seriously! I can't get over how small you are! But I'm huge!
[he laughs, first jovial then turning to maniacal laugh]
Wheatley : [his laugh trails off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
[brings the lift down]
Wheatley : Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
GLaDOS : [sounding exhausted and disgruntled] You didn't do anything. She did all the work.
Wheatley : Oh, really? That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe it's time I did something then.
[he uses the transfer tools to grab GLaDOS's head and pull her in]
GLaDOS : What are you doing? NO! NO! NO!
-
Cave Johnson : [prerecorded message] Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians - you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So who is ready to make some science?
Caroline : I am!
Cave Johnson : Ha ha! Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself. I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place. That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?
Caroline : Yes, sir, Mister Johnson.
Cave Johnson : She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.
-
Cave Johnson : Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented - but that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt-...
Caroline : Sir, the testing?
Cave Johnson : Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phonebook of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?" Let me answer those questions with a question. Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash. You can also feel free to relax for up to twenty minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you. So! Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.
-
GLaDOS : [Chell and GLaDOS exit the elevator to find a harpsichord piece by J.S. Bach playing on the speakers] Oh, no, he's playing classical music.
Wheatley : [They enter the testing room to hear the sound of pages being turned] Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry; Hope that didn't disturb you too much, there. It was the sound of books - pages being turned. So that's just what I was doing, just reading, uh, books. So not a moron. Anyway, just finished the last one, just now, the hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not know what all the fuss was about - understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?
GLaDOS : [disdainfully] Yes.
Wheatley : Yeah, decked it. Well, on with the test! Wished there was more books! But there's not.
-
GLaDOS : Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him.
-
GLaDOS : Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have a sort of black box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was able - well, forced really - to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever. You know, if you'd done that to somebody else, they might devote their existence to exacting REVENGE! Luckily, I'm a bigger person than that. I'm happy to put this all behind us and get back to work. After all, we've got a lot to do, and only sixty more years to do it. More or less. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me.
-
[after Atlas and P-Body place Weighted Cubes on a switch]
GLaDOS : Weighted Cubes calibrated. No variances detected. Did you know humans frown on weight variances? If you want to upset a human, just say their weight variance is above or below the norm.
-
GLaDOS : Listen to me. We had a lot of fun testing and antagonizing each other, and, yes, sometimes it went too far. But we're off the clock now. It's just us talking, like regular people. And this is no joke: we are in *deep* trouble.
-
Wheatley : [Chell escapes Wheatley's spiked death trap] Where'd you go? Come back! Come back!
Wheatley : No, seriously, do come back. Come back, please.
Wheatley : [Chell actually comes back to the edge of the bottomless pit] Oh! You came back! Didn't plan for that, actually. Can't actually reset the death trap. So. Ah. Could you jump into that pit, there? Would you just jump into that pit for me?
Wheatley : Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
Wheatley : You're saying to yourself, 'Why should I jump into the pit?' I'll tell you why. Guess who's down there? Your parents! You're not adopted after all! It's your natural parents down there in the pit. Should have mentioned it before. But I didn't. So jump down and reunite with mommy and daddy.
Wheatley : Oh I'll tell you what's also down there. Your parents and... There's also an escape elevator!. Down there. Funny. I should have mentioned it before. But it's down there. So pop down. Jump down. You've got your folks down there and an escape elevator.
Wheatley : And what else is down there... Tell you what, it's only a new jumpsuit! A very trendy designer jumpsuit from France. Down there. And it's exactly your size. And if it's a bit baggy, we got a tailor down there as well who can take it in for you.
Wheatley : And what's this? A lovely handbag! And the three portal device! It's all down there!
Wheatley : Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage? But, a lot of good-looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! They haven't seen a woman in years... And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... just jump down, would ya?
GLaDOS : You really do have brain damage, don't you?
GLaDOS : I can't believe you came back.
Wheatley : [Chell actually jumps into the pit] Oh! Wow! Good! I did not think that was going to work.
